[NOTE: This is not an angry, bitter post, so if you were worried about being dragged down into despair and being spattered with someone’s bile, don’t! I’ll do my best to be my usual, mildly amusing and daft self!]
Ahhhh, breakups.
The short of it is, they suck. And any helpful article you can google will tell you that things will hurt for a while, you’ll feel all the things, time will pass, and then suddenly you’ll realize you’re all right again. Life will go on, and you will meet someone new. It’s all part of the magical journey of life!
But in that process, one of the steps is kind of huge– momentous even– when you are going through it. Time will pass. It’s an understatement kind of like ‘beer is a popular beverage’ or ‘people sometimes disagree about religious matters.’
During that passage of time, you will need to face certain temptations, such as stalking your ex on Facebook (it’s a bad idea, trust me; just LET THEM GO!), drinking, doing drugs or self-medicating to escape the pain, banging anything that moves in a misguided attempt to reassert yourself or spite your ex, or withdrawing and wallowing in complete misery. These are all parts of the process of grieving a relationship’s end, but it’s important not to lose yourself in your grieving, and to occupy yourself in as many positive ways as you can. And what better distraction exists than watching films?
So without further ado, here is a small list of films ideal for viewing after a breakup! Hopefully they will help you as much as they helped me! NOTE: normally there is no order to my lists, but tonight these are ranked in order from least to best, with best being #1. Enjoy!
5. Silence of the Lambs – I know! Weird and random, right? But hear me out – it’s a classic, its central relationship is platonic, and it encourages the main character to do some deep soul searching in the dark corners of her heart – the kind that often occur after we are crushed by a breakup. It’s a powerful story whose central character, Clarice Starling, appeals to the viewer regardless of gender. At times both breathless and nailbiting, the hours will just fly off the clock!
It’s good to see you again, Clarice. Let us continue our complex and somewhat platonic relationship.
4. Charlie’s Angels – Either of them. It’s absolute girl-power fluff about friends and fashion and having a good time. If you’re unfamiliar, here‘s a review I wrote a few years ago. Not to be taken with any seriousness whatsoever. Really, it’s just a lot of fun noise, stunts, costumes, and makeup.
Although there is a relationship in this one, it just drives home at the end of the day that friends are more important than significant others.
I could barely tell you what the plot was, but still love this movie
3. To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar – Another unsung classic, this one is about putting others ahead of yourself and your needs, a good thing to remember when you’re sinking into a pit of despair after a breakup. Get out! Do something for someone else! Enjoy your hobbies and live life to the fullest! At the very least, the adventures of Noxxeema, Vida, and Chichi taking a cross country trip and chasing their dreams of entering a beauty pageant might encourage you to chase a dream or two of your own: take that trip you’ve always talked about! Write that novel! Start your own food truck! You’ve got time and energy now, so get out there and do something with it!
And remember… let good thoughts be your sword, and shield!
2. The Secret of NIMH – Mrs. Brisby had to deal with some serious shit. A widower, her little fieldmouse’s world was full of dangers, and yet to protect her family she risked life and limb, again and again. Sure, there’s a slight flirtation with Justin, the Captain of the Guard, and he does cheer her on at times, but ultimately she’s the one who gets things done. Note – this classic film bears only a passing resemblance to the book it is based on, so if you’re familiar with the book but not the film, be prepared for some changes. A LOT of changes. Also, there is apparently a remake in the works, and while I am usually optimistic in these cases, this doesn’t really fill me with confidence.
Nicodemus lays down some truth.
1. Elizabeth – Her Majesty had to learn some lessons about love – the HARD WAY. She starts out the film young, relatively innocent and trusting, and by the end has had to make some hard choices – just like us after a breakup. However, while our decisions might be things like which friends to delete from our Facebook feeds or who gets what dvd sets, her decisions were things like ‘have the conspirators who sought to undermine my authority put to death.’ It certainly put my problems into perspective. True, there is a romantic subplot, but that story is a crucial lesson that Elizabeth learns by the end: that she must put something much bigger than her own happiness at stake. At the very least, this most dramatic and heartrending film will keep you busy for a few hours. Watch it for the wigs, and for Geoffrey Rush as Walsingham, Elizabeth’s spymaster.
Stay true to yourself!
So that’s it! Hopefully there’s something on this list to help you. These are some films I watched that cheered me up and helped me remember about the bigger world out there, so if you’re feeling down, hopefully a few hours with a great film will cheer you up. It always does for me, but sometimes making the choice on what to watch would get me bogged down forever.
I have to say how much I like Dinklage in this film. His character has an interesting arc, for one thing: since he’s never seen Penelope, he only has secondhand accounts to go by. When he finally sees her picture, he’s astounded by how very UN-monstrous she is, or that she could think of herself as such at all. There’s a connection there; he, as a little person, has to field curiosity and attention about his appearance wherever he goes. If this were a different kind of movie, he might have a moment of resentment. After all, Penelope had the benefit of a VERY wealthy upbringing where she was able to control her surroundings entirely. He has a job, and no walls between himself and others. He has nowhere to hide. But this film is definitely light entertainment, so rather than resentment, he regrets the story he tried to make out of her appearance.
Christina Ricci stars as the titular pig-snouted Penelope.
Penelope is a rare hidden gem. It’s quickly become one of my new favorite movies, and there are many reasons why. It has an AMAZING cast: headlining it are Christina Ricci, James McAvoy, Catherine O’Hara, Peter Dinklage (!!!), Richard E. Grant, and Simon Woods (who I recognized as Augustus Caesar from HBO’S Rome). And then there are the supporting cast: Reese Witherspoon, Nick Frost, Burn Gorman (WHO is that guy’s agent? he’s in everything lately!). The art direction is reminiscent of Amelie, as everything is colorful, whimsical, and beautiful. I’d like to just disappear into the wardrobe closet with a shopping cart and redo my life with everything that everyone wore.
The story is very light; it’s a modern fairytale about a wealthy family whose pride caused a witch to place a curse on them: their daughter would give birth to a monstrosity. Naturally the family had about ten generations of sons, but finally a girl was born, who was in every other way perfect except for her little piggy nose. Until the girl is loved by one of her own, she’ll bear the pig nose for the rest of her days. Penelope’s mother makes it her life’s mission to break the curse, hiring a full-time husband finder to try and pair Penelope with any blueblood who’ll have her. Hundreds of likely suitors scream in horror and dash off at first sight of here, and herein is one of the movie’s biggest failings.
It was just hard to believe that not only were these guys unable to get past the snout thing, but that they ran in HORROR from her. There’s so much else going on! She’s gorgeous! That SKIN! The shoes! THE GIANT PILE OF MONEY THAT COMES WITH HER FAMILY NAME. But the film is making a point about superficiality, so there’s that.
Simon Woods’ character, Edward, is the latest in a long line of matchmaking failures, and his rantings about a hideous pig monster catch the ear of Peter Dinklage’s character, Lemon. Lemon is a reporter who lost his eye trying to catch a picture of the infamous pig-nosed baby years before, and has been trying to get material for a story on her ever since.
I have to say how much I like Dinklage in this film. His character has an interesting arc, for one thing: since he’s never seen Penelope, he only has secondhand accounts to go by. When he finally sees her picture, he’s astounded by how very UN-monstrous she is, or that she could think of herself as such at all. There’s a connection there; he, as a little person, has to field curiosity and attention about his appearance wherever he goes. If this were a different kind of movie, he might have a moment of resentment. After all, Penelope had the benefit of a VERY wealthy upbringing where she was able to control her surroundings entirely. He has a job, and no walls between himself and others. He has nowhere to hide. But this film is definitely light entertainment, so rather than resentment, he regrets the story he tried to make out of her appearance.
[excited noises] At long last, a guy appears on the horizon that captures Penelope’s interest, and doesn’t seem put off by her situation. James McAvoy plays the impossibly handsome, self-effacing, and down-to-earth gambler that Edward and Lemon set up as a possible match for Penelope, and hide a camera in his jacket so he can get a shot of her. Of course he finds her fascinating instead, and when she finally does appear he’s less horrified than saddened by the fact that he can’t be involved with her as he’s not really a blueblood.
I also have to admit that I forgot how good-looking James McAvoy is – the movie I most associate him with is The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, where the shoe was on the other foot and he played Mr. Tumnus the faun, complete with hooves, horns, and a goat nose. In Penelope he’s totally the guy you thought you’d fall for in college: he has a cool, Flashdance-y loft, plays piano, and wears engineer boots and cool hats while being self-effacing and kind. Of course he’s tough and hardened on the outside but has a warm gooey center, but that’s the kind of character this type of movie would need.
Penelope has its drawbacks: an odd, rambling plot that is more challenging than the usual rom-com stuff is the most noticeable thing; a definite disconnect from reality in that all the sets and wardrobe are absolutely beautiful and luxe; sometimes unsubtle performances (Simon Woods doing comedy is a treat, after his icy performance in Rome).
But it’s definitely worth seeing. It’s message–that you must love and accept yourself most of all– is the strongest thing it has going for it, and I kind of wish they’d show movies like this instead of ‘This is what happens to your body’ in 5th grade. Ricci’s performance is delightful, and she looks absolutely radiant the whole time, even with the pig nose. All the British actors do American accents for some reason, and Richard E. Grant’s American accent is a TREAT. And as I mentioned, every inch of the film has been created to look beautiful, so it’s a lot of lovely eyecandy as well.
Today, I am focusing on a single, select group of heroes that have no other defining characteristic than offering more cushion for the pushin’. As before established, heroes come in all shapes and sizes in Westeros, and so do heroic deeds. Today, we’re giving some time to a group who need and deserve some recognition. Their deeds might not be writ large, but my gosh, GRRM sure writes THEM large! (yes that was a dumb joke; moving on)
This post will contain some WICKED spoilers from the books and the show! Just FYI!
There are all manner of heroes in A Song of Ice and Fire: obvious heroes like Jon Snow, who wrestles with his inner turmoil so much it’s a wonder he can even get past breakfast in the morning; Ned Stark, whose heroism was cut short (HEYOOOO!!!!) by both his rigid adherence to honor and his utter lack of self-preservation; Davos Seaworth, who can be as rigid as the fallen Lord of Winterfell but has four billion times the good sense, and SO FAR seems to be plugging right along, despite some pretty awesome fakeouts discussed below; less obvious heroes who at first seem to be terrible people and then either perform some selfless acts or see the error of their ways, like Sandor Clegane and Jaime Lannister; complex, flawed heroes like the MAGNIFICENT Tyrion Lannister, for whom no good deed goes unpunished; and simple, stalwart heroes like my personal all-time favorite, Brienne of Tarth.
But we aren’t here to talk about them today!
Today, I am focusing on a single, select group of heroes that have no other defining characteristic than offering more cushion for the pushin’. As before established, heroes come in all shapes and sizes in Westeros, and so do heroic deeds. Today, we’re giving some time to a group who need and deserve some recognition. Their deeds might not be writ large, but my gosh, GRRM sure writes THEM large! (yes that was a dumb joke; moving on)
Samwell Tarly
Utilizes the same defense strategy as a basket of kittens
Samwell Tarly on the show is pretty much the same as Sam in the books. He will literally be the first person to tell you how cowardly he is, but they gave him a bit more dignity in the show by skipping the parts where he wees himself in terror during battles with the Others. Sam is a gentle boy who loved songs, playing with his sisters, and literally, baskets of kittens. That’s one of his favorite things right there, I’m not being funny, he literally loves baskets of kittens. ADORABLE!!
Sam’s father is the terrifyingly badass Lord Randyll Tarly, who gave Sam the choice of either taking the black so Randyll’s younger, butch son could inherit his title, or having a fatal “accident.” Tarly the elder also practiced such gentle paternal techniques as beating the holy living fluff out of Sam, and chaining him up in a dungeon. So, given the choice between death and a suck life, Sam chose the suck life. Sam has absolutely no belief in himself, and despite the fact that he slays a White Walker, perhaps the FIRST White Walker in over eight thousand years to be slain by a human being, he is convinced it was an accident. The nickname that the other Night’s Watchmen give him, Sam The Slayer, is BADASS, but the name only embarrasses him. However, HE DID THAT. Maybe it was an accident, but either way, he did it. To paraphrase something Eddard Stark told Jon, a man can only be brave when he IS afraid. In that case Sam Tarly is one of the ballsiest men in the Seven Kingdoms.
Later in the books, Jon Snow sends Sam on a trip down to Oldtown to become a maester, and to watch over Aemon Targaryen, who is ancient and in danger of being burned by the red witch (long story). He travels with Gilly, and I am very pleased to say he loses his virginity during the sea voyage. It’s just too sweet! Sam’s story is awesome because while he’s not outwardly heroic, he’s also not exactly the usual type of anti-hero either: he’s shy, he blushes around women, is terrified of just about everyone, and is so useless in a battle he’s usually ignored by enemies because he poses no threat. Granted, there is a lot to dislike, but as a character he has come a long way. He challenges the reader by unflinchingly revealing all his flaws, but then redeems himself on the odd occasion he pulls off something heroic. I was CHEERING for him when he shanked that White Walker, AND when he nails Gilly for the first time – although to be fair, in the latter situation it was more her nailing him. Whatever! Good for Sam!
Varys the Spider
I treasure every eyeroll, ESPECIALLY the ones at Littlefinger’s expense.
To be fair, Varys is described as “stout.” POV characters think of him as soft and effeminate, with his silks and powders. To further be fair, silk bathrobes are unforgiving on EVERYONE without a wardrobe wrangler, so it’s to Conleth Hill’s credit that he brings the character to life and makes him as riveting as he does.
POV characters think of Varys as duplicitous, untrustworthy, and scheming. The audience knows different: he really does try to help save people from themselves, but can’t compromise himself or his network of spies. He counsels Ned Stark on how to save himself, and to Stark’s credit he takes the advice, but Joffrey the Shitbag ruined that plan by just being his shitbag self and everyone knows how that turned out. Varys also tries to advise Tyrion from continuing his relationship with Shae, but when he sees that Tyrion is dead-set on seeing the whore he arranges for them to meet in secret. He does betray people, which is pretty far from heroic, but he only betrays people after they have already betrayed themselves.
Varys is nothing if not practical: as a Targaryen loyalist, he is trying to both hold the realm together and tear it apart just enough for Danaerys to arrive and reestablish the Targaryen dynasty. Varys helped spirit the Targareyn children away, and later, you find out that he also was instrumental in helping save (HUGE SPOILER HERE IT COMES!!!! ) Rhaegar Targaryen’s son, Aegon.
Though he’s not an actual fat guy per se, he does take epic amounts of shit about being a eunuch and generally disliked. However, he can change his appearance by using costumes and makeup (although by all accounts he makes a repulsive woman). It wouldn’t surprise me if, at the end of the series, Varys revealed himself to be seven feet tall and cut like a granite cliff face with hair down to his waist. If that happens, I’d like to take credit for being the first person to imagine the possibility, and I’m refusing to Google and see if someone else has come up with the same thing.
Strong Belwas
Strong Belwas, wearing the same amount of armor that women are usually shown in.
Strong Belwas has not yet appeared in the show. He shows up either at the end of A Clash of Kings or the beginning of A Storm of Swords, and is basically there to act as a distracter for the real meat and potatoes of the story, reintroducing Barristan Selmy (Note: maybe I’ll do an ‘Old People of ASOIAF’ next; Selmy would be king of that list). A former pit fighter, Belwas is a huge fat eunuch who seems like an oaf at first; he shows up, and basically acts as occasional comic relief, doing nothing but eating and sort of doofing around in the background. He has a sword, and a tiny iron vest he wears as armor. He is covered with scars, claiming that each cut represents a foe he has slain, as he allows them to make a single cut before he finishes them so everyone can know how many men he’s fought. Everyone sort of glances at each other and smiles, thinking he’s full of it.
THEN.
During their march, Danaerys’s army comes up on a walled city. The city close up their walls and send out a single champion on horseback. The meaning is both clear and veiled: Dany can send out her own champion to fight the lancer, but there is no guarantee that the people will open their gates if her champion wins; the veiled meaning is that if she loses, she will look weak and foolish AND be out a champion. She looks over her little court of champions and decides to send out the one who hasn’t done a whole hell of a lot yet and wouldn’t be a big loss to Team Targaryen, Strong Belwas.
Belwas requests they make him a dish of liver and onions, which are his favorite ‘after battle’ food,’ draws his sword and absurdly tiny shield, lumbers out onto the battleground, and goes to work. However, when battle is joined, he moves like a fat tiger.
In thinking about Strong Belwas’s fighting technique, I am reminded of Bruce Lee’s adage of ‘Be like water.’ If Lee was a fan of ASOIAF he might have amended that adage to “Or jello. If you can’t be water, be jello.” Jello traps an enemy’s blade, conforms to whatever shape it’s dropped in, and springs back into shape once it’s freed. So too does Strong Belwas. He’s fast, he’s agile, and he lets the lancer get in a single cut before he finishes the guy like the last french fry. Then, rather than take a victory lap, Belwas drops his pants and takes a victory dump in the direction of the city’s no longer cheering crowds. Then he returns to Dany’s camp and requests the aforementioned liver and onions. After all, he did make some room.
Strong Belwas again proves himself when he inadvertently eats a poisoned dessert intended for Dany, surviving the poison because of his huge bulk. I have no idea what the future holds for the character, but I do love him so.
Illyrio Mopatis
Played by Roger Allern in the show
Illyrio Mopatis in the book has probably the cruelest description of all the fat guys on this list. He’s described as ‘lord of suet,’ ‘lord of cheese’, ‘vast’ and other unkind terms, by various POV characters. In the show he just looks like they added some padding to the actor.
Illyrio is a magister in Pentos, basically a super rich businessman. We meet him in the beginning of the series when he helps Viserys (remember him? he was AWFUL) arrange Danerys’s marriage to Khal Drogo. The fancy mansion that the Targeryens are staying in belong to him. He also gives Danaerys her dragon eggs.
Like Varys, much and more is said of Mopatis, and most of it is not too kind. Besides POV characters describing him as fat, he is also mistrusted and considered to be conniving and self-serving. Strong words, considering he sheltered the Targaryens and is helping Varys with his plans to restore them to the throne. It could just be that he’s a businessman with unusually long foresight – after all, whichever Targaryen takes the throne would remember the man who helped them, and that would be a good position to be in. Some make the facetious claim that if he had known the dragon eggs would hatch, he would have sat on them himself rather than give them to Danaerys.
However, as the reader I think he’s a bit more of an altruist, similar to Varys. Both of them grew up penniless on the streets of Pentos, and when he was young Mopatis was a sellsword who was incredibly lithe and fierce with a blade. Perhaps they both remember those days and are seeking to stabilize the realm for the benefit of smallfolk. After all, the smallfolk are the ones who pay the highest price when it comes to wars.
Mopatis sends Strong Belwas and Arstan Whitebeard to Dany as bodyguards. When Tyrion escapes King’s Landing, Mopatis helps him across the Narrow Sea and also sends him to Dany, chatting with Tyrion along the way. Tyrion mistrusts his motives, but I don’t know, I really think he’s just out to help the little people. He also states that Viserys had intended to sneak into Dany’s room the night before her wedding to Khal Drogo and steal her maidenhead, but he put a stop to that by posting guards outside her room.
Wyman Manderly
Any resemblance to Santa is purely coincidental… or IS it?
Wyman Manderly appears at Winterfell early in A Game of Thrones, but I don’t believe he’s in the show, or if he is they didn’t introduce him. He shows up as one of the Stark bannermen to discuss things with Bran, who is acting as lord when everyone else is away. He is, without a doubt, my FAVORITE secret fat guy hero of the entire series.
Uncharitably but probably truthfully described as ‘Lord Too Fat To Sit a Horse,’ Manderly is the lord of White Harbor. Two of his sons are involved in the War of the Five Kings: one is taken captive by the enemy, and the other travels with Catelyn Stark, ultimately being murdered during the Red Wedding. One of his sons is visible in the show during the Wedding, a round-cheeked guy with a waxed mustache and a silver merman on his black shirt.
SPOILERS AHOY!
By the time Davos Seaworth makes his way to White Harbor in the fifth book to ask Manderly to support Stannis, Manderly has become paranoid and mistrustful. He has Freys in his charge as wards and allies, and so he immediately puts Davos to death. Later, another POV character reports that they have seen the Onion Knight’s head dipped in tar, his mouth stuffed with onions and put on a spike above the gates of White Harbor. Since Davos is another of my favorite characters, I was M A D that day. My boyfriend occasionally comes to check on me when I reading ASOIAF, usually when I start yelling. Sometimes my yelling is angry (GODDAMN IT CATELYN STOP DOING THINGS), sometimes my yelling is in disbelief (WTF THEY JUST CUT OFF JAIME’S HAND I CAN’T EVEN) and sometimes it’s in excitement (SAM FOUND BRAN AND RICKON! YEAAAHHHHHH!!). He just wants to know what kind of yelling it is. That day it was the ‘THIS BOOK KEEPS KILLING THE GOOD PEOPLE THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT’ kind of yelling. I am very passionate when I read.
BUT!
It was all a ruse!
Davos has been chilling in the dungeon, and since he knows how to write now he can probably write the ‘Let’s Go!’ book of Westerosi dungeons since the man spends more time in them than anywhere else.
Wyman Manderly is NOT a turncloak – he is aware that his court is crawling with Frey spies, and he is FIERCELY loyal to Team Stark. He had to make it seem like he was putting Davos to death, even going so far as to kill some poor bastard who resembled the Onion Knight and putting his head on top of the gate. He has also found one of Theon’s underlings and gotten the true story of the Stark boys out of him: that Bran and Rickon are alive, and heading to the Wall. He charges Davos with the most awesome, dangerous, and heartfelt quest in the book, after Brienne of Tarth’s: finding Manderly’s young lost lords, Bran and Rickon, and bringing them home to White Harbor, safe. He knows for certain that Rickon is on the Isle of Skagos, so that is where Davos heads.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!!
Remember how I said that Manderly had a couple of Freys in his charge? And he was fiercely loyal to the Starks? And how EVERYONE in Westeros knows about the Red Wedding?
Manderly gets some sweet, sweet vengeance. Oh yeah.
He bakes them into a pie and serves them to Roose Bolton, Walder Frey, and some other Freys.
BAM!!!
WYMAN THE PIEMAN, baby!
I had some friends who declared that they didn’t want to watch the show anymore after the Red Wedding. I honestly can’t blame them; I knew what was coming because I read the book, but even reading the book I nearly stood up and threw it across the room. Since it was my Kindle, I had to exercise restraint though. After I sat down and my blood pressure slowed down, I HAD to keep reading! SO MUCH GOOD STUFF happens in the second half of book 3 and beyond. I am hoping that seeing Joffrey buy it (GOD that day can’t come fast enough – even though i know it’s coming I CANNOT WAIT) will draw people back.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little reemergence of my ramblings. I really do want to try and keep it up again. I have ideas for entries all the time and just can’t seem to work blogging into my schedule. I do enjoy it so!
Do YOU have a favorite character on GoT? Who is it? Why?
Granted, putting glasses and beige on Michelle Pfeiffer doesn’t exactly put her in the same league as Roseanne Barr, but Tim Burton’s effort to represent those forgotten women at least pays lip service to the fact that they exist. Because Selina Kyle’s apartment is TOTALLY that kind of woman’s abode: stuffed animals, pink, nightshirts with kittens on them, an old dollhouse. . . everything unthreatening, soft and pink and friendly, and it exists as her own escape from the cruelties of her real life.
Disclaimer: No, I never saw the Halle Berry one. We do not speak of it.
So!
Batman Returns. And She-Devil.
Although both had different aims, they both succeeded at some of the most subversive ideas brought to the screen in a mainstream 80’s movie.
They were delightfully underplayed attempts at bringing feminism with subtly anarchic overtones to the screen . Both, in their ways, were like the girls’ version of Fight Club before there WAS a Fight Club.
When Batman Returns came out, it was the summer between my 6th and 7th grade years. I remember the trailers for it–it looked like the exact thing my little heart had been waiting for. Even though I’ve seen it umpty-billion times sense, I remember the excitement during the opening credits sequence; Cobblepot’s tortuous pram is floating through the sewers, and just as the music swells, a cloud of bats flutters from the dark to form the film’s title. I STILL love that moment.
And of course–there was Catwoman.
Sultry, slinky, strong and dangerous, she was doing the stuff I pretended to do in my backyard–climbing walls, doing cartwheels, and making it look awesome. My diet of Ninja Turtles had fed in me a desire to practice backyard ninjitsu, and my Barbies had engendered a fascination with makeup. Catwoman was the perfect storm.
Pfeiffer’s Catwoman is obviously not a direct interpretation of the comic–the comic Catwoman was a jewel thief, a criminal with a more formalized modus operandi; she and Batman both break the rules, and both do it for personal reasons, but his reasons are (ostensibly) selfless while hers are selfish.
No, you cannot has. But maybe you can?
BR’s Catwoman is breaking the rules because she wants to, because the same rules are the ones that broke her. Her aim is less focused and results in chaos. She focuses her efforts on property destruction at first, and her first crime is to destroy a department store, one of those wretched bastions of ‘femininity’ that pretty much exist to convince women they are somehow inadequate in order to sell them shit they don’t need. Sound familiar?
“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need.”
Oh yeah. You know it.
Women (and more recently, men–welcome to the objectification club, boys!) have been sold an idea of what they are supposed to be by the media. And it doesn’t stop at gender; minorities, gays, religious groups–everyone is shown by advertising and media what they are expected to be, and how they are expected to behave, by telling them what to buy. This is not news. Or it shouldn’t be.
The 80’s were a great time for onscreen anarchy, in both overt and covert forms. I’m not too interested in covering the overt forms, because for the purposes of this post, subversion is the name of the game. Bringing it down from the inside. . .oh yeah.
It’s interesting also because this is in line with another oddly anarchic women’s film of around the same time, Roseanne Barr’s She-Devil.
One of her character Rose’s great moments of revolution is to destroy her family home and all her family’s possessions; she does this by basically breaking all the ‘good housewife’ rules: she puts aerosol cans in the microwave, overloads electrical sockets, overfills the washing machine, throws a bunch of metal shit in the dryer (including the overhanging lightbulb) fills an ashtray on top of a magazine pile with still-lit cigarettes, and leaves the blender on high with a knife jammed in the beaters.
After destroying the house, she takes the kids in a taxi to the abode of her nemesis, Mary Fisher, a romance novelist who has seduced Rose’s husband (played by a way too convincing Ed Begley, Jr. as a whining, entitled douche) away from her. Bob has been living in the lap of luxury, and now that Rose has dumped the kids on him, Mary Fisher’s fairytale life begins to crumble.
The anarchic thread in She-Devil is the preposition that there are more than beautiful, statuesque women in the world; indeed, the entire film is about those women marginalized and ignored by society; the same ones whose desire to be beautiful, and to be the center of everyone’s attention fuels the romance novel and romantic comedy industries. Society thrives on these women, who have been made to feel unattractive and undesirable to the point that escape from reality, through daytime soaps, romance novels, melodrama, and even video games has become necessary to their daily life. These women who–in the film–are instrumental to Rose’s vengeance plot through their intelligence and talents rather than their beauty (although one does get exploited for her beauty; Olivia, the bouncy, somewhat brainless secretary is manipulated by Rose to get to Bob, but since Rose herself was a victim of Bob’s duplicity the audience is not too unforgiving of Rose).
Granted, putting glasses and beige on Michelle Pfeiffer doesn’t exactly put her in the same league as Roseanne Barr, but Tim Burton’s effort to represent those forgotten women at least pays lip service to the fact that they exist. Because Selina Kyle’s apartment is TOTALLY that kind of woman’s abode: stuffed animals, pink, nightshirts with kittens on them, an old dollhouse. . . everything unthreatening, soft and pink and friendly, and it exists as her own escape from the cruelties of her real life.
Which is why it’s so brilliant–every woman who’s been downtrodden or marginalized had, at some point, something fierce and ferocious in her that had to be beaten out by society. It’s nice to imagine that just Selina’s fire was never really beaten out, ours hasn’t been either. It’s in there, waiting for something to come along to stoke it and prod it back to the surface. . . or maybe, sometimes it just happens all by itself.
I just don’t see Gyllenhaal as a serviceable action hero, at least not the way he’s presented here. I can certainly see him as the type who is called to action, but he’s being sold as Han Solo, when he’s more of a Luke Skywalker. I want to see him start at awkward and sensitive before he’s doing parkour all over the ziggurats. Going from pencil pushing geeks and Donnie Darko to THIS with no gears in between doesn’t sell me. I need to see some kind of progression; maybe by the end of the film he can be bouncing off walls and running across parked horses, but let’s start out in first before trying the interstate, shall we?
Y’all know me.
Y’all know my failing tends to be a certain willingness to overextend credit to films that might not deserve it, and to turn a blind eye to the failings of something otherwise mediocre in order to celebrate the effort of the filmmakers’ having done anything at all.
But man.
Someone at Empire magazine was kind enough to make this graphic. Which is good because even a white arrow is beyond my photoshop skills.
Partly, this entry is to prove that yes, no matter how hot the lead of a film is, I am still capable of disliking said film. Maybe I need to convince myself of that more than anyone else; at any rate, here we go.
When I first heard about the movie based on the game, I was a little excited. I hadn’t personally played the game, but was familiar with it as Nathan had played through most of the series. I wasn’t particularly looking forward to it, but was mildly curious.
The photos coming out, of an uncharacteristically buff and cut Jake Gyllenhaal, were strange at first. “Huh. That’s odd. But also. . . yeah!” I fully admit that it was his hotness that got me interested in the movie.
The trailers didn’t inspire confidence, but I realized recently how little stock I put into trailers; I think of them as the worst way to judge a movie, because of how many times in the past I have been surprised by the end product. After viewing the trailers, I didn’t think much of Iron Man or Pirates of the Caribbean, or many other films that turned out not just to be enjoyable, but bonafide blockbusters. Other movies’ trailers got me hugely excited, only to let me down. Someday I’ll post my thought process behind that, but not today.
Still, I decided to give it a shot.
I think the biggest failing for me was the character of Dastan, and when your title character is weak, well, there’s not too many places to go from there.
I like Gyllenhaal with some weight to him. I like his shaggy hair, and I thought his stuntwork was decent. But I don’t believe him as a rough and rowdy man of the people, or as a willing action hero. He also has no arc to speak of; he starts out the movie in the same place that he ends it. Dastan, being a street child adopted by the king, already knows how to take care of himself and losing his status as a Prince doesn’t feel like he’s lost anything. Sure, responsibilities of leadership and the people would be better off with him leading and whatnot, but that never even felt like a real threat. Sure, a tyrant is a tyrant, but the idea of rule under one of the other, unworthy characters was never made concrete to me. Wanting to solve his father’s murder is kind of interesting, but he never really goes beyond that.
After way too much exposition, we are introduced to Dastan in the equivalent of an ancient world Fight Club; we are expected to view him as ‘one of the boys!’ because even though he’s a Prince, he still goes and hangs out with the men. Which is idiotic, because (and yes, I know this is a video game) in a world like that, even a fairytale world based on a historical one, there are rules. And one rule is, no matter how cool you think a Prince is, you can’t get in a fight with him. For one thing, he’s not really in charge, the King is. And if the King has a problem with you beating his kid, no matter who started it or if it’s all in fun, then you will be executed. Period. For another, he’s wealthy and well-fed; his soldiers and underlings probably aren’t, and haven’t had his training or conditioning. And yeah, he came from the street and all, but after the fight, he’ll pick himself up and go home to his palace. No matter how you slice it, it still comes across as a rich boy slumming.
Why not introduce him as someone more informed by reality? Picture it: a street child, he’s used to starving, being exposed to the elements, and the uncertain world of an orphan on his own; given the chance to be wealthy, why wouldn’t he be delighted to lie around the palace on pile of money and slave girls? Maybe the King even regrets his decision to elevate Dastan, seeing what a life of luxury has made him, but is bound by his oath and certain that if given the chance, his lazy, libertine son would rise to the occasion. That makes his fall from grace at least worth something to Dastan, and when he realizes he doesn’t need that to be happy or that he had a chance to do something as king and help the people after being reminded of their plight, the character has something more to do. And positing that ‘It’s a kid’s movie’ doesn’t work, because there are plenty of kid’s movies with more complex character arcs. For Christ’s sake, if Gemma Arterton is going to spend the whole movie nagging him, at least give her something to nag him about.
The other problem is that I just don’t see Gyllenhaal as a serviceable action hero, at least not the way he’s presented here. I can certainly see him as the type who is called to action, but he’s being sold as Han Solo, when he’s more of a Luke Skywalker. I want to see him start at awkward and sensitive before he’s doing parkour all over the ziggurats. Going from pencil pushing geeks and Donnie Darko to THIS with no gears in between doesn’t sell me. I need to see some kind of progression; maybe by the end of the film he can be bouncing off walls and running across parked horses, but let’s start out in first before trying the interstate, shall we?
Almost the entire time I was watching the movie I was conflicted. ‘But he’s so hot. . . but character development!. . . but his eyes are dreamy. . . but Ben Kingsley WASTED!. . .but pretty hair. . . but Gemma Arterton has the onscreen charisma of beige paint and should be leaving an orange oilslick from all that bronzer!. . . sighhhhh. . .
It almost feels as though everyone is aware of Gyllenhaal’s hotness but himself. I wonder what he thought about the physical change? Anything? Did it even register, or was it just part of a job? It was almost creepy how his change was presented in the marketing for the movie, almost in a ‘You won’t believe your eyes!’ kind of way.
“SEE! him beat up guys instead of write angsty poetry! SEE! him hurt people instead of their feelings! SEE! him trembling with wrath and power rather than emotion! In theaters now! Give your mom and sister a thrill, and then go read Maxim’s article about how he got (kind of) swole and believe that it too can happen to you if you do enough curls!”
Hint: curls didn't do this. Upping his lifting regimen and protein intake did.
