Everyone can stop making zombie movies now because this one IS EVERYTHING.
You: “Hey wait, didn’t this blog sometimes post movie reviews?”
Me: “Totes! I have just been swamped with life/the universe/EVERYTHING lately and haven’t had time to watch, much less think about much! I’ll get back to the movies just in time…. for HORROR MOVIE MONTH!! WOOOO!!!!”
All right, I’ve been lazy with the blogging and just settling for posting videos…
… and here’s another one!
I.
CANNOT.
WAIT.
One of my exes introduced me to the Krampus legend about 15 years ago, and I always get excited when I see him pop up in pop culture. I LOVE that they made a movie about it.
It looks pretty decent – I like the comedy dynamic of the cast (Adam Scott, David Koechner, and Toni Collette!) before the weirdness sets in. A commenter on another board said it looked like this generation’s Gremlins, which is another of my family’s strange, unconventional holiday traditions.
So here’s to you, Mr. Craven. You knew what scared us, but it was because you knew what scared YOU first. Good horror comes from the heart, and by all accounts you were a wonderfully sweet man with plenty of heart to go around.
[NOTE: I was waiting until October to review Mr. Craven’s classic The People Under the Stairs, one of my all-time favorite movies, for my annual horror movie round-up. However, his untimely passing required tribute, so here it is.]
Dat Box Art
Back in the day, renting a movie at the video store was a gamble. If you rented the wrong thing, you wouldn’t find out until you’d got home, possibly hours later, possibly after the store had closed. It was terrible to find that the money you mowed a lawn or babysat for had gone to a dud, full of boring characters, dumb cliches, and forgettable story. The stakes were high on Friday afternoons after school, so I often agonized in the horror aisle making up my mind, my mom rolling her eyes and yelling at me to come on.
Imagine a time with no online forums, no websites, nothing but the movie reviews in the newspaper, articles in magazines like Fangoria or Starlog, or your friends’ recommendations.
I must have walked past the box for The People Under the Stairs 50 times before I actually picked it up to rent it. Although I look back fondly on the box art now, the somewhat generic design just couldn’t compete with the likes of Pumpkinhead, Deadly Friend, or anything coming out of Full Moon Studios for my money. I finally watched it in about 1996, and thence started a relationship that has lasted to this very day.
This is from two weeks ago! Still keeping the faith!
I STAND BY MY TWEET.
I’ve talked before about urban horror in the form of Clive Barker’s Candyman and what an interesting and clever deconstruction it was – but doesn’t even come CLOSE to The People Under the Stairs.
The film starts out brilliantly – Ruby is doing a tarot reading for her little brother Poindexter, nicknamed Fool, and we hear hushed voices as Ruby lays out the cards in flickering candlelight, and with them Fool’s destiny. We’re in. The setup is established – Fool and his family live in the projects, at the mercy of slumlords and in need of money for Fool’s mother’s operation. Fool, now the man of the house at 13, is convinced by Ruby’s boyfriend Leroy (Ving Rhames! In one of his early roles! With hair!) to help him commit a burglary that will net them enough cash to take care of his family.
The plan is to dress Fool like a cub scout and send him to the front door, so he can get in and case the house. What he finds instead is a highly paranoid, racist woman who won’t even let him into the secured house to use the bathroom, and a serious security system.
Not. Even. A Little.
Once Fool, Leroy, and their friend Spencer gain entry to the house, Shit Gets Weird. So wonderfully, GLORIOUSLY weird! I almost don’t want to go into it in case you are somehow reading this article having NOT seen the film! BUT I AM! So stop reading now. Go read the Candyman article, or… or come back when you’ve seen The People Under the Stairs! The post’ll still be here! Shoo!
OKAY.
As I was saying, TPUTS is brilliant as a horror movie for a lot of reasons. Mr. Craven was inspired by a news article about the police responding to a home invasion, who discovered children locked in a closet, and the story grew from there. A philosopher and teacher first, he didn’t begin making films until he was 30, and he started out making porn. How COOL is that?
Since the main baddies of TPUTS are some crazy-ass white people slumlords who toss around The N-Word with careless abandon and cackle at all the money they have drained from the ghetto, the movie has the feel of a modern fable. For some, THESE are the boogeymen, but they are no less terrifying than knife-wielding maniacs. They take children from the ghetto to raise as their own, but being utterly batshit crazy, no child can live up to their expectations. The children who fail are put into the basement, missing tongues, eyes, or ears, and are fed on human flesh.
GIMMEGIMMEGIMME
And since the movie didn’t know the meaning of the words ‘Over the Top,’ the performances by Everett McGill and Wendy Robie as “Daddy” and “Mommy” are MAGNIFICENT.
No Caption Needed. *wipes away a tear*Mama said there’d be days like this…
God how I could go on. A young A.J. Langer, of “My So-Called Life” fame plays Alice, the only girl and only child who has managed to toe Mommy and Daddy’s crazy line. Brandon Adams turned out a brilliant performance as the charismatic, intelligent, and compassionate Fool – I’m surprised to see so few credits under his name on IMDB.
The gimp suit, the attack dog, the dolls, “A man ain’t dead just cause he’s laying there,” and the wonderful, wonderful shouts of ‘GONNA FIND YOUUUUU!!’ interrupted by a brick to the face. GOD how I love this movie.
So here’s to you, Mr. Craven. You knew what scared us, but it was because you knew what scared YOU first. Good horror comes from the heart, and by all accounts you were a wonderfully sweet man with plenty of heart to go around.
Here is a link to Edgar Wright’s touching tribute to Mr. Craven, who perfectly expressed what I have been stumbling and blathering to say.
Farewell, Mr. Craven! We’ll see you in our nightmares!
TFTD:TM is the most 80s movie that ever 80s movied, although it was made in 1990; I suppose by then the formula had been distilled to perfection.
Tales From the Darkside: The Movie: The Poster
HORROR MOVIE ANTHOLOGIES!
I love them! I’m out of the loop on the modern ones so I’ve no idea what I’m missing, but I LOVE old horror movie anthologies. Since horror stories don’t always have the staying power for an entire movie, anthologies mix things up and also cater to my ADD. If the story’s not great, I can wait twenty minutes until the next one starts!
Tales from the Darkside was another horror anthology tv show big in the 80s. I actually saw a few episodes and I remember them SCARING THE SHIT out of me because the stories were so raw. There was a particularly gruesome one involving a parakeet and some kind of vacuum cleaner monster attracted to sound, and another one about some kids dealing with an ancient Babylonian/Old Testament demon dwelling in their basement. The show was created by George A. Romero (The Grandfather of Zombies) and notable contributors included Stephen King, Clive Barker, and Harlan Ellison. (!!!!!!!) Since most of those writers had a hand in shaping modern horror, that is a hell of a pedigree.
TFTD:TM is the most 80s movie that ever 80s movied, although it was made in 1990; I suppose by then the formula had been distilled to perfection.
It has EVERYONE. Debbie Harry from Blondie, David Johansen ( of New York Dolls fame and probably best known to The Kids These Days as the Ghost of Christmas Past from Scrooged), Steve Buscemi, Christian Slater, William Hickey, Rae Dawn Chong (the chick from Commando) and a weensy Matthew Lawrence make appearances; most incredible of all, none other than Julianne Moore makes her film debut! She looks about 17! There’s also a delightful vein of dark humor running through the stories.
The movie is bookended by a story about a totally upscale yuppie woman (Debbie Harry) living in an eponymous 80s movie mansion house who happens to be a witch. She’s got a kid chained up in her walk-in pantry/dungeon and she’s getting all the fixins’ ready to cook him. Like Scherezade, he must tell her stories to keep her from killing him.
Pictured: Two Very Different Actors Wearing Very Two Different Vests
The stories are somewhat bananas. In Lot:249, Steve Buscemi is every Angry Nerd Ever as a bookish type obsessed with antiques and Egyptology. Christian Slater makes his character of Douchey Rich Kid #4 still likeable, and Julianne Moore as his sociopathic sister is awesome. There’s a love triangle, a mummy, you know where this is going but the ride is still great.
In Cat From Hell, David Johansan is a hit man hired to kill a… cat from hell. Seriously this is one badass cat. That’s almost the whole story right there, and it’s kind of mindblowing how simple and yet engaging it was.
NIAGARA FALLS, FRANK.
I originally saw TFTD:TM about 20 years ago and the reason that it stuck with me is because of the last story: The Lover’s Vow.
Lord protect me from bad boys because I cannot protect myself, forever and ever AMEN.
Although it does have vintage James Remar, the reason it stuck with me is multifold:
James Remar plays a struggling artist, a career I was considering at the time
He and Rae Dawn Chong and have some beautiful multiracial children, which I had never seen addressed in a horror movie
The monster is a woman
THIS JUST IN: After checking the writing credit for The Lover’s Vow I am astounded to find it written by someone I had never heard of and yet who was the architect of a great deal of my childhood real estate. Michael McDowell also wrote:
Beetlejuice
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Clue
GASP. I love finding out new things! I need to investigate this writer further! I wish I had a time machine so I could spend a year Groundhogging and reading/watching/experiencing all the shit on my ‘To Do’ pile. Further, McDowell was inspired to write the story by yuki-onna stories from Lefcadio Hearne’s Kwaidan books. I have those and enjoyed the shit out of them, and can’t recommend them enough to fans of Asian horror and just old fashioned ghost stories.
Tales from the Darkside: The Movie is available on Instant Watch.