Hello and welcome to Game of Thoughts! This is a feature in which I recap the latest episode of everyone’s favorite grimdark fantasy, Game of Thrones. We do things fun around here so for more in-depth coverage of big themes, check out Patrick Sponaugle‘s incredibly witty and fun blog posts. Note: These recaps WILL contain spoilers.
Let’s DO THIS!
All right, it’s late and I’m tired and still have to check out the Preacher premier. A lot happened in The Door, we caught up with some old friends (Hi Littlefinger! Fuck your apologies!) and said goodbye to some old ones (OH MY GOD HODOR MY FACE HAS FALLEN OFF). Let’s put on our boots and wade into the mire!
- Hi Sansa, So Good to See FUCK THAT’S A BIG ANGRY WOMAN – Littlefinger hopes to catch Sansa unawares and work his greasy pedo-stash magic on her, but instead his party is gatecrashed by threats and a forcible reevaluation of his interpersonal dynamics. His ‘I was so worried when you ran away from Winterfell’ horseshit isn’t moving here, and I believe he barely got away with his life. The only good thing to come out of this meeting was some info concerning families still loyal to the Starks and an 80% probability of him shitting his pants. Sansa’s comment about ‘the brothel keepers would know’ was a great dig and this was a fine scene for many reasons, but not because Brienne caved in his skull because that didn’t happen. YET.
- High Sticking Is Not a Penalty in Faceless Man Training Camp – For all the pomp and ceremony surrounding the rituals of the Faceless men and their training, they don’t seem to give two shits about why they’re killing people. Seems a little misguided to speak with such gravitas about giving the gift when the paying customer can run up afterward yelling ‘IN YOUR FACE!’ Also, Arya’s rewatching the events of season one was brilliant, it was like we all sat down and watched some shitty home movies together. Richard E. Grant is amazing and I’m pretty sure I saw Essie Davis, who I know and love from The Babadook. REALLY looking forward to what’s unfolding in Braavos, and Arya asking Jaqen if he’d heard about the actress was hilarious because it was like awkward office chat, murder office edition.
- Bran’s Walking on Sunshine and Whoooaaaaaa – So that’s where the White Walkers came from. Seemed kind of rushed, but Bran’s story segments feel a little uneven anyway. I guess they were building up the dramatic tension for the later scene in which we lose ANOTHER DIRE WOLF OH MY GOD and also … also… but I’ll get to that.
- Yara Grayjoy is The New Boss And She Is Not The Same As The Old Boss – Because the old bosses sucked. Yara (and Theon!) score some major support for their political platform but before they can hand out the Grayjoy318 bumperstickers Euron shows up and is basically some guy. I’m kind of surprised the showrunners even tried to bring him this late in the game, but I hate him SO MUCH because he stole Yara’s political campaign promises and then outed Theon as having been mutilated. Fingers crossed he dies of sea lice or scurvy or something. Although Grayjoy318 showed some real moxie by stealing the Iron Fleet and I laughed when Euron was like ‘cut down all the trees!’ because he has clearly failed to notice that Pyke is suffering from a 404 Foliage Not Found Error and has been for always.
- I Burned 15 Khals And Went Shopping But Am Still Sad – And we’re back with Danaerys who has some new threads and her hair did again but most importantly is back in charge of a Khalessar. The most important part of this scene was her heartfelt ‘Farewell but not in case you survive somehow’ to Jorah who is another character who’s managed to hang on since the first season through blood, sweat, tears, dragons, and the same shirt for like 5 years. Poor guy will probably have to get it off with a metal file when he finally goes shopping. I thought him pulling the sympathy card was a little underhanded, but whatever.
- Other Melisandre Apparently Has Some Game – I didn’t think much of Other Melisandre when she started taking a run at Varys, and he didn’t either because his resting ‘Oh honey, NO’ face gave me life but then took it away when she started getting into his head. I am now afraid for Varys who until this point has proven himself indestructible.
- A Cave With No Cable Or Books or Anything To Do – But that has a magic doorway into time itself – The Three-Eyed Raven can see much and more but apparently not how a teenaged boy can be trusted to not meddle in the affairs of White Walkers and thus fuck himself and his friends from just plain old boredom. HOW COULD THAT HAVE HAPPENED he didn’t say because he was busy dying like a Jedi, except there are no Force Ghosts.
- Davos Weighs In And Makes Sense – Sansa almost blows it but then Davos rattles the approximately five billion experience points he has won Surviving The Game and must carry in his back pocket for just these moments and sways her back. And i heard him say the Manderleys and got VERY excited because Wyman ‘The Pie-Man’ Manderly is one of my favorite Fat Guys of Westeros. I am glad Brienne called out Sansa lying to Jon, and how sending her away is dumb, and also ‘that wildling with the beard’ and then we got a MAGIC, MAGIC moment of Tormund’s flirting game and life will never be the same. I need a spinoff where they fight crime and like, ride around the countryside saving people from tyrants and whatnot.
- The Willis.exe Has Crashed – OH MY GOD, Y’ALL. I was crying and dribbling all over myself. I was already upset because Summer (WHAT IS WITH THIS SEASON?!?!?) and then they threw that at us and just, just… HODORRRRRRRRR. Also I suspect that people will be making .gifs of Willis freaking out and I just know that I will start bawling when I see it. But also – the mystery of Hodor’s Hodoring, SOLVED.
So that’s been The Door. Next week’s previews seemed to show Meera in some shit (she did really great tonight btw, took out a White Walker! GO GIRL!) and also what’s going down in King’s Landing at the sept. I can’t wait!
I hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s ramble, and that you’ll be back for next week’s! Have a great time in between!
“404 Foliage Not Found Error” LOLed at that
This was my second favorite episode of the season thus far, because HODOR.
I wish I understood time travel, at all, like ever. Watch Bran change some shit from Ned Stark’s day and then WHOOPS everything we’ve ever watched doesn’t matter because he changed history.