HOLY GOD HOT DAMN! EVERYTHING HAPPENED!
If you are just joining us, this is my weekly, semi-hysterical recap of the latest Game of Thrones episode. This feature only takes place during the season. For real, in-depth coverage, please check with Patrick Sponaugle.
Spoilers are going behind the cut, so please only go behind the cut if you
are on the guest list have already seen the episode. You good?
THEN LET’S GO!
- The Bell Tolls for Thee, Cersei! But it doesn’t actually, because Cersei is getting all dressed up with no intention of going anywhere. Her outfit is on point and she’s totally content to NOT make her appearance at her own trial. Poor Loras confesses to basically everything that has ever happened ever, not only incriminating himself but effectively removing himself as heir to Highgarden. Mace nearly faints, and Margareerersay is not having it. Lancel goes to fetch Cersei to the sept and notices a kid up to something, and everyone with money on the ‘Cersei blowing the fuck out of people with Wildfire’ stake just made themselves lunch.
- And now Tommen is in the clutches of Dead Mountain! Oh my heavens!
- And there goes Lancel and everyone in the sept Holy Mary Joseph And Baby Jesus THAT JUST HAPPENED !
- And now we’ve lost Maester Pycelle! Oh my goodness this is just so upsetting! Ew, leaving Qyburn totally in charge now.
- OH MY GOD WE HAVE LOST KING TOMMEN REPEAT LOST KING TOMMEN WHAT I CAN’T
- Shame Nun is now being
waterwine-boarded and now is in the clutches of the Mountain and GROSS HIS HELMET IS OFF OH ITS A MESS FOLKS And Shame Nun is the least of my worries because all of Westeros is in the clutches of Cersei!
- Ain’t No Party Like a Walder Frey Party – Because a Walder Frey party is all about seeing how long you can put up with his shit before you have ot leave the room or kill him, and Jaime just got a nice mic drop. There was a nice callback to the ‘Lannisters send their regards’ connecting Jaime to one of the most nefarious moments in GoT history.
- Surprise! Maggy the Frog Was Right! For a terrible moment I thought Cersei was going to be all like ‘Qyburn fire up your zombiefication set up I’m not losing another kid’ but she didn’t so that’s good. I wanted to feel for her in this scene and just couldn’t, she’s gone too far.
- Sam Is In His Happy Place – Among the books. I bet he finds a bunch of important shit that will make sense next season. I bet all the imporant shit of Planetos is stored in there, and he’s goign to make sense of it. In fact I know it, because I read the books. I was hoping for him to throw down on that snotty clerk with Heartsbane like ‘BITCH I AM NOT HERE FOR YOUR SASS.’ Alas. Maybe next season. Also, I totally saw the white ravens flying from the tower! Nice!
- Showing the Red Woman The Door – Jon Snow is not here for people who murder children, unless those children are Olly, but I’m curious what’s next for Melisandre. Davos putting her shit in a box in the hall has been a long time coming, honestly. Note: The gem in her necklace, formerly red, is now blackened. Not sure when that change took place, but it’s interesting! Winter has come, and it has come to kick ass.
- And We’re Back In Dorne – Olenna Tyrell is done with shitty people, which is great because Ellaria Sand would like to introduce her to the LEAST shitty person in Westeros, please give up for VARYS. When I saw that magic silhouette appear in the doorway I almost fell out of my chair. I AM HERE FOR THIS. Can you imagine their conversations? GOD.
- WALDER FREY IS DOWN. And OH MY GOD IT’S ARYA. No Wyman the Pie-Man Manderly, but I will TAKE THIS, showrunners, I will take it and love it and make it my own!
- Littlefinger and Sansa – I knew he was deluded, but he must be crazy trying to pull something in her ancestral home. He’s got a whole other deck of cards hidden throughout his person, so who the hell knows what he’ll do next. He doesn’t handle rejection well, that one.
- Benjen! Welcome back, Again! – Gotta be honest folks… he looks like the frozen chicken I took out of the microwave and only half-defrosted before deciding I wasn’t in the mood for chicken and freezing it again. But I would still hit that. URMF.
- CONFIRMATION OF RT + LS = JS Yes folks you heard it here first unless you watched the episode, Jon Snow is the least bastardy bastard of all of them! Actual royalty, he is! Maybe they didn’t say as much but that smash cut didn’t leave much to the imagination!
- I’m On a Boat! – Christ almighty we have WAITED For this and now we have and I just… just… I can’t breathe, folks. Danaerys is heading Westeros-ward with her armada and her dragons and most importantly with her most trusted advisors, which does NOT include Bearded Hair Model but whatever, he was untrustworthy anyway. Watching Tyrion watching the dragons was just… I need a moment.
I gotta say folks, this was a hell of a season! I can’t believe what went down, and I’m sad that it’s over, but looking way forward to another year of speculation and fandom. This is one of my favorite things abotu this show, talking about it with other fans, and DAMN if this whole season didn’t provide plenty of food for thought.
And hey… the books are still coming!
So thanks for tuning in this season, it’s been a lot of fun covering the episodes as they happened, and chatting with folks about it. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading these recaps as much as I enjoyed writing them, and that you’ll stick around for the film reviews and posts on this blog.
Have a great week, and please check back for upcoming posts about horror movies, Eddie Murphy, and anything else I wander across that tickles my fancy.