Review – Page 12 – Late to the Theater

Creepy, Creaky Old Houses Week: Crimson Peak

THEN I knew that Del Toro had in fact been reading my diary because GOD ALMIGHTY– a well-dressed, incredibly dapper gent who turns up out of nowhere, has intelligent input on her writing, and exudes manners and charm?

October is Horror Movie month, where we let down our hair and celebrate all things macabre and scary! Not that we don’t during the rest of the year, but still… HORROR MOVIES! People who don’t like horror are encouraged to check back November 1st for less bloody and/or disturbing films. For everyone else, let’s put on our galoshes and WADE INTO THE MIRE!

Creepy, Creaky Old Houses Week is a gear-switch from Hell Week; in Hell Week we donned our raincoats and galoshes to wade into the Hellraiser movies– bloody, fleshy, hooky, painy, S&My wonders that they are. This week is all about subtle, understated horror, with very little blood, highbrow content, and plenty of atmospherics. So put on your Edwardian nightclothes and some hard-soled shoes– we’re creeping slowly up staircases while clutching unreliable lighting sources this week!

Today’s entry is Crimson Peak, which just opened last week! Since it’s still in theaters today’s entry will contain NO SPOILERS.

If I had to describe Crimson Peak in a single long word without taking a breath, it would be RomancySwoonyBloodySteampunkySexyCostumeyVictorianyHiddlestonsassy. There, you’re all caught up! I leave it up to you if that last one is ‘Hiddleston sassy’ or ‘Hiddlestons assy’ because both are apt.

Ripped from the sweat-stained pages of my secret smut diary!

I was SO. EXCITED. when the trailer came out almost a year ago. Maybe my expectations were overbuilt or something, because although there were many, MANY things I loved about Crimson Peak, I did feel myself a bit let down. I just wasn’t feeling it… I cried big ugly sobs during so many of Guillermo Del Toro’s other films– even Hellboy 2!– but for some reason the emotional center of this film never gelled for me.

Without a doubt, the film:

Is composed of a beautifully twisted world of extremes: the sun-drenched golds of Buffalo and the slate-sky’d, wintry moors surrounding Allerdale Hall define the light spectrum of the film
Contained some of the most magnificent sets and costumes, especially the aforementioned Allerdale in all its decrepit, strangely sentient glory
Is atmospheric almost to a fault
Was advertised as brain-melting horror but never quite got inside my head– the ghosts were grotesque, but ultimately quite sad
Held fascinating characters, an engaging setup, and plenty of promise
Reminded me of Poe’s The Fall of The House of Usher, and I wondered why I haven’t seen that mentioned in reviews.

Edith Cushing is a young, well-to-do lady not content to lay around and spend her father’s hard-earned money; she’s got a dream. She’s a writer, so right away my interest was peaked (HA! yes we are still doing bad puns). Literally stained with ink, she waits, with her heart in her throat, while an editor boredly pages through her work. He dismisses it and tells her that since she’s a woman, she ought to write romances instead of ghost stories. She astutely points out that it’s not a ghost story, but a story with a ghost in it, which all but sets up the film for us. Undaunted by the rejection, Edith resolves to learn to type so that her feminine handwriting won’t give away her gender to the next editor.

"Who's that idjit dancing with Edith?" I LOVE JIM BEAVER SO MUCH EVER SINCE DEADWOOD!! — “Who’s that idjit dancing with Edith?” I LOVE JIM BEAVER SO MUCH EVER SINCE DEADWOOD!!

Her industrialist father Carter, played by Jim Beaver, is supportive of her dream and so she practices her typing at his firm’s typewriter, which is at the front desk of the firm. It is there she meets Sir Thomas Sharpe, baronet whose come to town to drum up financial support in a machine he’s designed. Believe me when I say his intro is magic; with a spring in his step and tophat on his head, he saunters along a ray of sunshine, radiating confidence and integrity. He notices her story and picks it up, fascinated, and THEN I knew that Del Toro had in fact been reading my diary because GOD ALMIGHTY– a well-dressed, incredibly dapper gent who turns up out of nowhere, has intelligent input on her writing, and exudes manners and charm?

I'd faint if I weren't so busy swooning — I’d faint if I weren’t so busy swooning… oh, what the hell. *thump*

Although she’s sort of attached to ultra all-American Dr. Alan McMichaels (Charlie Hunnam) she is quickly swept off her feet by the dashing Sir Sharpe when he literally waltzes her around the room. But Sharpe has a secret that Carter hires Holly (Burn Gorman, who is in EVERYTHING, I say! EVERYTHING!) to ferret out. A murder, a funeral, and a marriage follow, in that order.

Although the characterizations start out strong, they start to fall apart as the movie loses its footing. For example: Edith is from BUFFALO, a town famous for encountering ridiculously harsh winters. And yet later in the film when shit has Gotten Real, she is only too ready to run out into the snow in her bedclothes to escape the house. I found that hard to swallow, and it’s one of the main reasons I don’t get why people are calling her such a great character. The situation wasn’t so dire that she had to escape right away, and she would know full well that such a move would get her frozen faster than if she asked her sister-in-law Lucille for a hug.

My hair caught fire from just looking at this picture

Another dumb nit I must pick – there is a huge hole in Allerdale Hall’s roof, through which leaves tumble gently in a continual cascade. And yet– there are no trees around the house!

File 404: Foliage Not Found — File 404 Error: Foliage Not Found

I know it’s a stupid thing to focus on in this otherwise beautiful and haunting film, but I can’t help it. I pick because I care!

I won’t tell you Crimson Peak isn’t good – it’s great and it does a lot of things right. For one thing, it turns the gothic romance genre on its head in a lot of ways, even as it celebrates them. Thomas is dashing and mysterious, but he’s also an inventor who’s trying to rebuild his family’s lost fortune, and his endearing sweetness sets him apart from the usual brooding hunks you find in these films. Allerdale Hall is perfectly vast, creeply and creaky, but it’s also falling apart and slowly sinking into the red clay upon which it’s built. A perfectly cast Jessica Chastain appears as Lucille, an aristocratic iceberg who must do most of the housework herself since the Sharpe fortune is long gone.

The critics are raving about it, it’s already got a built-in fandom, and I will definitely add it to my Del Toro collection when it’s out on blu-ray.

Thanks for reading this installment of Creepy Creaky week! Sorry there are only two entries, I have some personal business going on that precludes me from blogging. Next week’s theme will be Halloween And the Kitchen Sink, in which we explore horror movies that threw everything Halloweenish at the viewer, including the kitchen sink!

Have a great week!

Hanging in There Entry: Robin Hood (BBC) Seasons 1 & 2

The show is a fun distraction with some distinctive and moving performances. Heavily anachronistic, it doesn’t take itself too seriously, but does insert lots of little pop culture jokes and references. There is some violence though it’s largely bloodless, and a few characters die. That said, I would say it’s a great family show. The costumes and sets are fun and creative, and some of the jokes really have made me laugh out loud. I would definitely recommend it if you’re looking for something new and fun to get into, but if you’re looking for historical accuracy or accurate arrow physics then you might want to give it a miss.

Slowly, things are improving.

Lately I have been dealing with both getting over a breakup and a death in the family. It’s a lot of normal to be trying to reestablish, all at once, so I am just trying to get through the days lately.

One thing that has cheered me up is the BBC’s Robin Hood. It began in 2006 and only ran for 3 seasons, ending when the principles decided to leave the show. It’s a delightful show though, about friendship and loyalty and love and all those noble qualities that Robin Hood is known for.

Hood himself is played by the charismatic Jonas Armstrong, who portrays Robin of Locksley as daring, charming, and even cheeky at times. I’ll say it: I grew up associating Robin Hood with a singing fox, and later with Kevin Costner (I don’t hate Prince of Thieves) and still later with Men in Tights (STILL a classic!). So a brash, cheeky young Robin was a nice addition to the stable of actors who have played the character.

As with all the other canon, Robin and his servant/companion Much (who is an Englishman, I have no idea if he’s canon or not because I’ve never read the Child ballads) are recently returned home from King Richard’s war in the Holy Land. The pair of former soldiers have a strong bond as friends, and soon find that the old Sheriff of Nottingham has been deposed and a new one installed.

The latter is played with snide, sneering glee by Keith Allen, who I had to look up on Wikipedia but apparently is Theon Greyjoy’s father. He used to do standup comedy at punk shows. How cool is that?

The rest of the gang are here as well: Little John, Alan a Dale, Will Scarlett, and Maid Marian. The latter is a nice departure and far from a damsel in distress: she knows how to fight and is fairly headstrong in the bargain. In fact they could have made her theme music someone shouting ‘DAMMIT MARIAN!’ every time she did something irritating. I didn’t hate the character – far from it! – but just as when you see a smart person you care about make a terrible choice, I was frustrated. Lucy Griffiths was eminently likeable and radiantly beautiful – I saw she was on the pilot for Constantine (which I still haven’t reviewed!) but was replaced by Zed. I think she’s great and she’ll go far, once she finds the right vehicle.

The comedy and lighthearted fare of the show is fun; it’s a family show, I think it ran in the Doctor Who spot, or just after it, and there are far, far worse ways to introduce children to the stories of Robin Hood and his outlaws.

But the show keeps me coming back for this man:

Richard Armitage has inspired a HUUUUGE following who call themselves “Armitage’s Army.” I’m not much of a joiner, so instead I’ll tip my hat to the approximately 8 billion fansites and pages of fanfiction they have produced. Well done, ladies and gentlemen! Allow me to congratulate you on your EXQUISITE taste!

I wrote about him before in my review for North and South, and believe me he’s just getting better.

Gisborne as a character is interesting – he starts out a drawling villain but over the course of the show became such a fan favorite that the writers were struggling to keep him a villain. I haven’t seen the 3rd season yet but I understand that he does sort of team up with the good guys, which he did now and then in the previous seasons. I love tv series for that reason, the character evolution it allows. Somebody can start out a bit player and a few seasons in steal the show, as happened with Donna Meagle and others on Parks and Rec (I haven’t seen the final season yet! Say nothing!)

The other reason Gisborne fascinates me (besides the obvious) is that I have a thing for his character trope: the damaged ones, the broken ones who imagine that the love of another person is all they need to fix themselves. It is a form of delusion, because in order to be a better person you must first admit that you have no power over someone else and that if you truly loved them, you would let them go and that YOU are responsible for your own happiness. But it’s also the sign of a deeply romantic and sensitive soul – someone who believes so fervently in the power of love that it blinds them to the consequences of their own actions. Of course no other examples of this character type are coming to mind at the moment, but trust me, it used to be a thing I had. For many years I thought I had outgrown it – and then along came Gisborne. When he begs Marian to make a home with him, to stay with him so that his life is bearable, I was totally ready to give him the keys to my house and run down to Uhaul for some boxes to help him move in. I cannot be trusted to make life decisions any larger than ‘yes I would like bacon on my cheeseburger’ right now.

But when it comes to archery be prepared to suspend some serious disbelief. — Shooting!

And just so you can see how serious I am (although I couldn’t stop giggling while watching this):

Finally Got Around to It and Loved It Entry: 1992’s Orlando

Continuing with our series of “Films that are distracting me from my breakup,” we’ll be looking at the brilliant Orlando, Sally Potter’s very artsy exploration of the life and loves of a 400-year-old English noble who switches gender, which stars Tilda Swinton and some fine, FINE Vintage Billy Zane.

It was 1997, and I was at college. I first heard of Orlando through my room mate, who informed me that Paula Cole’s “I don’t want to wait” video (which was playing every 5 minutes on the radio and VH-1 that year) was based on the film. I was into gay and transgender films at the time, but as no video stores carried it I just didn’t get to see it. I kept hearing about it, and meaning to watch it, and what with one thing and another wound up with a copy and STILL futzed around.

Most people will tell you that the story is, as I wrote above, about the life lessons of a 400-year-old English noble who changes gender partway through his or her life. It is based on a Virginia Woolf novel that I haven’t read.

Having known about the premise, I watched the film and found myself a bit confused at first; as a fan of science fiction and fantasy, I expected there to be some kind of explanation of the “rules” of Orlando’s existence, of why he not only lives for four centuries but switches along the path. But once I let go of the idea that the film would explain it, I understood and enjoyed myself much more.

Additionally, I didn’t think the movie about a single person, although I realize the idea of Orlando as immortal is a popular understanding of the character. Orlando seems more a living consciousness, a cosmic self-awareness that has lived on through successive generations, that is both old and jaded and also young and continually enchanted with life. Orlando seemed more like a state of mind achieved when constructs of gender are recognized for what they are: constraints. I suppose that might be at odds with the popular view of the character, and I’m not disagreeing with anyone else’s read, it was just something that occurred to me along the way.

Filmed in 1992, Orlando is a smorgasbord of late-80s/early-90s artistic conceits. A fascination with Ancien-Regime France and all the pomp and gigantic wigs therein, breaking the fourth wall, costumes, decadence, and Billy Zane. There’s even a cameo by the inestimable Quentin Crisp, whom I wrote about in this entry: The Stately Homos of Old England!

Before we get to the Billy Zane though, I really need to spend a few words talking about Tilda Swinton.

This movie, I am convinced, is still the phenomenon that it is mostly due to her luminous, warm performance. She projects a profound and quiet radiance as Orlando, like the

Angelic! No wonder she was the perfect Gabriel!

angel she would play later in the fun film version of Constantine (Note: I really do love Constantine but that’s a whole other post – I have been watching the show and I have read the graphic novels).

Swinton’s stately otherness has made her a fashion and film icon. She is beautiful without makeup, a rare thing, and a piece of art when she does wear it.

In the final scene, as she looks into the camera while her daughter plays nearby, she glows with hard-won joy; she has suffered to reach this calm place, and now that she’s here she’s going to enjoy it for the rest of her life.

And now to the Billy Zane.

To put it succinctly, there are a lot of hot actors in Hollywood right now, but none of them will every be Billy Zane in Orlando Hot.

GREAT DAY IN THE MORNING.

I have to confess I was deeply moved by the film, especially the ending where Orlando finds herself alone but fulfilled as a person. Probably since I once again find myself alone in life. Alone, but not lonely, if that makes any sense. The ending reminded me of another classic gay/gender politics movie, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which I saw in the theater a hundred years ago.

Anyhow, Orlando is a CLASSIC film that ought to be enjoyed by anyone interested in gender politics, trans theory, costuming, or just an interesting and arresting story.

The only jarring element in the film is the song at the end: that’s not saying I don’t like it, I LOVE IT, but it’s an odd and initially offputting little ditty. I had never heard it before I saw the movie, and the final scene, while it works, is a more than a little soured by the appearance of…well, I won’t spoil it if you want to watch it, but I will link it here if you’re curious but not checking the film out anytime soon.

Orlando is not available on Instant Watch, but is available from Netflix disc service.

New Cult Classics: Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil

I can totally laugh at jokes that poke gentle fun at Southern people, because if you can’t laugh at yourself you’re probably taking yourself too seriously. Southern people are dramatic, we indulge in family squabbles, we have crazy-ass relatives who are always setting themselves on fire or outrunning The Law or some other thing that you might see on COPS. I fully acknowledge this, and I embrace my heritage. But, as Jesse Custer himself said, “You don’t start raping tourists because you had grits for breakfast.”

I had no idea what I was in for when I hit “play” on Tucker and Dale. I heard good things, but nothing detailed. And as with many films I take a gamble on, I figured I could just shut it off if I didn’t care for it.

I figured it would be yet another tale of clean-cut, All-American youth taking a wrong turn and encountering inbred, cannibalistic, rapacious hillfolk mutants. And the movie certainly sets up that that is what’s going to happen: we are quickly introduced to a car-full of privileged young College Kids on holiday, passing some reefer around, and the girls are appropriately scantily clad.

But before I got much farther, let me explain something.

Growing up a Southern person, you hear jokes. My mother is from a small town in South Georgia, and my father was born in West Virginia and moved to Florida at a young age. Never mind that West Virginia was actually part of the Union, and, you know, the whole state was created because the inhabitants were Pro-Union – most Americans don’t know or care about that, and I’ve heard more than my share of ‘Ha ha, Southern people are inbred and live in trailers and swamps and rape tourists!’ unjokes.

That said, I can totally laugh at jokes that poke gentle fun at Southern people, because if you can’t laugh at yourself you’re probably taking yourself too seriously. Southern people are dramatic, we indulge in family squabbles, we have crazy-ass relatives who are always setting themselves on fire or outrunning The Law or some other thing that you might see on COPS. I fully acknowledge this, and I embrace my heritage. But, as Jesse Custer himself said, “You don’t start raping tourists because you had grits for breakfast.”

And as I was delighted to find, the College Kids are not the protagonists; Tucker and Dale are.

The setup starts to unravel when College Kids realize they forgot the beer, and stop by a gas station to stock up. The gas station is appropriately derelict and filled with rusty farm implements and animal parts, and some local weirdos are lurking nearby.

After an unnerving encounter with some of the dingy local color, the story begins following these two-the eponymous Tucker and Dale- and everything becomes a lot more interesting. Tucker and Dale have recently purchased a “vacation cabin,” (played by a Backwoods Murder Shack Style #4) where they are looking forward to some drankin’, fishin’, and relaxin’.

They set to fishin’ and drankin’ that night, but the relaxin’ part gets screwed when they see one of the College Girls take a nasty fall as she attempts to go skinny dipping. They row over to save her and find she’s unconscious. Naturally, when the the other College Kids witness Tucker and Dale dragging her limp, naked body into their skiff, they assume the worst.

The rest of the film is a series of unfortunate events that seem to mercilessly incriminate our hapless heroes. It’s a hilarious takedown of the genre, and I won’t spoil it by going on too much further. But the bees and chainsaw moment is just magical!

Fans of NBC’s 30Rock will recognize Katrina Bowden, who played vapid and ridiculously hot intern Cerie. When I saw her name in the credits I thought ‘oh, they found a hot girl, that’s nice’ and I totally ate my words: she has great comedic talent and plays the highly likeable heroine, Allison. I think she has a great shot a comedy, and I hope she gets a chance to show off that talent more.

The movie has a 7.6 on IMDB, and is highly rated on Netflix. If you’re a fan of deconstructive, intelligent horror comedy like Cabin in the Woods, or Shawn of the Dead, you will definitely like this movie. I can’t say it’s as great as those and has nowhere near the production value, but it definitely belongs in their company for the writing and characters alone.

Check it out!

The Britishiest Brits that Ever Britished: North and South

Like your standard costume drama, they go back and forth for approximately 800 years before they get together. By the end of the show he’s financially ruined despite all his hard work, and the experience has broken many of his tightly-held conceptions about life. And this is symbolized in him appearing in public with his shirt undone, which shouldn’t be that big a deal and yet it is, because Armitage releases some weapons-grade smolder.

Hats! Cravats! Emotional turmoil! Heaving bosoms!

Miniseries time!

I am going through a breakup, and so what better time to obsessively fixate on an unattainable ideal? And who better than Richard Armitage, who is SO HOT right now! YAY!!! *takes another shot*

Armitage first showed up on my radar when he appeared as Thorin Oakenshield in The Hobbit. I hadn’t heard of him, and looked for more of his work, preferably the smutty kind.

My friend, another Armitage fan, recommended the show to me. I gave it a try a while ago but couldn’t quite get into it. A snail with a twisted ankle could outstrip it when it comes to pacing.

The story is actually fascinating: Margaret Hale is a young woman from the South of England who moves with her family to the North. Her father is a rector who has lost his faith, and so chose to move to the North and be a teacher, which will cause his family to live “in reduced circumstances,” which is British Dramatic Speak for “no longer wealthy.” Margaret, while scouting for a new house to rent, overhears some men gossiping about her father’s recent social descent and speculating that it might have been due to something scandalous. She demands to be taken to their boss, Mr. Thornton the factory owner (Armitage) who has taken it upon himself to help the family find a house.

She meets our luscious hero just when he is in the midst of lurid exhortations, which sounds sexy but really means “beating the shit out of a factory worker.” It transpires Thornton has lost his temper because the worker was smoking in the middle of a COTTON MILL, which is only slightly less flammable than a Chinese firework marinated in lamp oil, and he has seen the result of gruesome factory fires before. He considers his position as the factory owner as a kind of steward of his employees, even if he begrudges them their salaries.

There are some interesting moments where worlds collide; Thornton, a member of the emergent bourgeoisie, carries a chip on his shoulder about having been born poor, as does his Mother, although his sister is delighted at having “gone up” in the world. Hale has a bad moment where she is engulfed in a crowd of rough working class folks, who jeer and frighten her before she is rescued by Nicholas Higgins, played by Brendan Coyle (who is best known as Mr. Bates from Downtown Abbey). The working class have power, they aren’t afraid to pick on an unattended upperclass lady and both of them know it. Ever after there little moments of socioeconomic overlap, sometimes overt and sometimes very subtle, but still there.

It began to dawn on me somewhere in the second episode that this was how the show was going to be. There would be no rogering or nudity, and since I didn’t know how long the show was I was very concerned that I would spend 25 hours of my life for the privilege of watching someone loosen their cravat. Luckily the show was only 4 episodes, and I was having fun with it, so I watched the rest.

And MAN.

This butters my crumpets. Oh yeah. — Tenderness! WOOO TOUCH HER HAIR!!!

Margaret is a likeable enough character, but I’ll be honest and say that I wasn’t really moved by her plight, possibly because she didn’t launch herself crotch-first at Thornton upon his first appearance like any sensible person would. She puts him off and insists she doesn’t like him, even when he approaches her with an offer of marriage.

Trends come and go. Currently we are stuck in a “actors and actresses barely wear clothes” cycle. I’m not advocating we all wrap ourselves up in layers and layers of shamecloth, but there’s something to be said for a less is more approach, sometimes. It’s nice to have to use your imagination now and then.

When it’s done right, with the right performers and good direction, an undone button can butter more crumpet than a pile of porn mags. But maybe it’s just me.

North and South is available on Instant Watch. If you already watch a lot of these types of shows you might enjoy it, and the history is very interesting. Watch the first episode and see what you think!

*finishes off the bottle, goes to sleep in the empty bathtub*