Ultimate PastBlasters – Tales from the Darkside: The Movie

TFTD:TM is the most 80s movie that ever 80s movied, although it was made in 1990; I suppose by then the formula had been distilled to perfection.

Tales From the Darkside: The Movie: The Poster
Tales From the Darkside: The Movie: The Poster

HORROR MOVIE ANTHOLOGIES!

I love them! I’m out of the loop on the modern ones so I’ve no idea what I’m missing, but I LOVE old horror movie anthologies. Since horror stories don’t always have the staying power for an entire movie, anthologies mix things up and also cater to my ADD. If the story’s not great, I can wait twenty minutes until the next one starts!

Tales from the Darkside was another horror anthology tv show big in the 80s. I actually saw a few episodes and I remember them SCARING THE SHIT out of me because the stories were so raw. There was a particularly gruesome one involving a parakeet and some kind of vacuum cleaner monster attracted to sound, and another one about some kids dealing with an ancient Babylonian/Old Testament demon dwelling in their basement. The show was created by George A. Romero (The Grandfather of Zombies) and notable contributors included Stephen King, Clive Barker, and Harlan Ellison. (!!!!!!!) Since most of those writers had a hand in shaping modern horror, that is a hell of a pedigree.

TFTD:TM is the most 80s movie that ever 80s movied, although it was made in 1990; I suppose by then the formula had been distilled to perfection.

It has EVERYONE. Debbie Harry from Blondie, David Johansen ( of New York Dolls fame and probably best known to The Kids These Days as the Ghost of Christmas Past from Scrooged), Steve Buscemi, Christian Slater, William Hickey, Rae Dawn Chong (the chick from Commando) and a weensy Matthew Lawrence make appearances; most incredible of all, none other than Julianne Moore makes her film debut! She looks about 17! There’s also a delightful vein of dark humor running through the stories.

The movie is bookended by a story about a totally upscale yuppie woman (Debbie Harry) living in an eponymous 80s movie mansion house who happens to be a witch. She’s got a kid chained up in her walk-in pantry/dungeon and she’s getting all the fixins’ ready to cook him. Like Scherezade, he must tell her stories to keep her from killing him.

Worlds! They Are Colliding!
Pictured: Two Very Different Actors Wearing Very Two Different Vests

The stories are somewhat bananas. In Lot:249, Steve Buscemi is every Angry Nerd Ever as a bookish type obsessed with antiques and Egyptology. Christian Slater makes his character of Douchey Rich Kid #4 still likeable, and Julianne Moore as his sociopathic sister is awesome. There’s a love triangle, a mummy, you know where this is going but the ride is still great.

In Cat From Hell, David Johansan is a hit man hired to kill a… cat from hell. Seriously this is one badass cat. That’s almost the whole story right there, and it’s kind of mindblowing how simple and yet engaging it was.

NIAGARA FALLS, FRANK.
NIAGARA FALLS, FRANK.

I originally saw TFTD:TM about 20 years ago and the reason that it stuck with me is because of the last story: The Lover’s Vow.

Lord protect me from bad boys because I cannot protect myself, forever and ever AMEN.
Lord protect me from bad boys because I cannot protect myself, forever and ever AMEN.

Although it does have vintage James Remar, the reason it stuck with me is multifold:

  • James Remar plays a struggling artist, a career I was considering at the time
  • He and Rae Dawn Chong and have some beautiful multiracial children, which I had never seen addressed  in a horror movie
  • The monster is a woman

THIS JUST IN: After checking the writing credit for The Lover’s Vow I am astounded to find it written by someone I had never heard of and yet who was the architect of a great deal of my childhood real estate. Michael McDowell also wrote:

  • Beetlejuice
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • Clue

GASP. I love finding out new things! I need to investigate this writer further! I wish I had a time machine so I could spend a year Groundhogging and reading/watching/experiencing all the shit on my ‘To Do’ pile. Further, McDowell was inspired to write the story by yuki-onna stories from Lefcadio Hearne’s Kwaidan books. I have those and enjoyed the shit out of them, and can’t recommend them enough to fans of Asian horror and just old fashioned ghost stories.

Tales from the Darkside: The Movie is available on Instant Watch.

Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Never: Horror Movie Ice Cream Flavors!

Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Never: Horror Movie Ice Cream Flavors

I found this delightful link in a forum I frequent and it gave me many hearty chuckles!

Cool Down With Ben And Jerry’s Horror Movie Ice Cream Flavors

I would NOT be able to pick just one! And so many delightful horror movie memories!

Some examples:

never

ice22

ice8

And THE BEST:

ice14

“Come get some.”

Gonna skip the Human Centi-Peach though. Gross.

(All content belongs to the wonderful artists who created them – well done!)

Theater Release: Muppets’ Most Wanted

Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Concords fame is the music supervisor. In some ways it’s a long jump between Bowie’s in Space and the Muppets, but it also isn’t. Witty lyrics, catchy tunes, goofy jokes, and just good, solid songsmithing is at the heart of the Muppets.

Group picture of the muppets with 3 humans standing behind them

Last night my boyfriend took me to our favorite theater to see Muppets Most Wanted. It was a jolly good time I had to say.

Besides the jokes and general Muppetry being spot-on to the spirit of the Henson era, it also evoked a lot of Cold War nostalgia since the Russians are sort of the bad guys. Tina Fey stars as the head of the Siberian Gulag where Kermit is wrongfully incarcerated, due to a case of mistaken identity.

Ricky Gervais, Ty Burrell, Tina Fey and a host of cameos round out the cast, and I wish that the movie had been longer so that there was more for the rest of these actors to have more screen time.

So far it hasn’t made as much as the previous film, but I really hope it becomes a sleeper hit. It was just as adorable as the last installment, and the songs in some cases I enjoyed even more.

Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Concords fame is the music supervisor. In some ways it’s a long jump between Bowie’s in Space and the Muppets, but it also isn’t. Witty lyrics, catchy tunes, goofy jokes, and just good, solid songsmithing is at the heart of the Muppets.

As I child I remember seeing actors in the Muppet movies and wondering what other movies they had been in, and most often, they were in movies that were either over my head or weren’t exactly family entertainment. That noble tradition is carried on here, as some of the cameos include Christophe Waltz, Til Schweiger, Saiorse Ronan, Hugh Bonneville, Jermaine Clement (who I initially mistook for Benecio Del Toro in full shaggy weirdo mode) and Danny Trejo. Or at least I associate those actors with entertainment that’s not family friendly, unless your family is watching a lot of Quentin Tarantino movies.

Muppets Most Wanted is in theaters now. Go see it! Go! Go!

More 80s Vampire Fabulousness – Once Bitten

Anyhoodle, after Mark is bitten, he has to deal with the fallout of his girlfriend Robin being enraged that he cheated on her. Plus, the Countess still has her sights set on him – she has to drink his blood twice more before Halloween in order to retain her youthful beauty and immortality.

The rest of the movie is fairly predictable, but the dialogue is snappy and the comedy elements are decent. Hutton is clearly having a wonderful time as the femme fatale, and Jim Carrey makes a pretty convincing 80’s goth during the last third of the film, when the vampiric effects are really showing. There’s even a dance sequence!

Recently I saw another gloriously 80s-tastic vampire comedy, 1985’s Once Bitten. Jim Carrey in his first leading role, Lauren Hutton in her prime, and Cleavon Little! Hurrah!

About what'd you'd expect
Let the goofyness ensue!

I absolutely love cheesy 80s vampire comedies, and Once Bitten totally delivers. I had been aware of it for some time but I think it was out of print or something during the years I worked in video rental and sale stores as I never could seem to find it, but it’s now available on Netflix Instant Watch.

The Countess, played by Lauren Hutton, is living the life in 80s’ LA. She sleeps in a coffin that looks like a tanning bed, lives in a sprawling mansion that’s a few pink accents shy of the Barbie Dream House, and has a stable of undead household servants she’s assembled in her 400 year life. Hutton is a dream in shiny pink spandex, and it’s clear she’s having a hoot of a time. In all honesty, the movie seems kind of like pr0n for guys into cougars – she’s not exactly a spring chicken but she’s aging VERY well, and the barest tilt of her head or lick of her lips promises that she has PLENTY of experience when it comes to doing the nasty.

Enter Jim Carrey’s character, young, virile and frustrated Mark Kendall, whose girlfriend is afraid to Go All the Way (remember that old chestnut from Fright Night?). When his girl puts him off again, he agrees to go with some randy friends of his into town to some kind of weird hook up bar where people call each other on table phones. I don’t know, it was the 80s. Anyway, his friends both get into altercations with married women with jealous husbands, a bar fight breaks out, and hilarity ensues. There may have even been ridiculous sound effects, I’m not sure (EDIT: I had to check – there were!). Amid the chaos, Mark wanders into the path of the Countess, who takes him home to her pastel MegaMansion and sort of makes a man out of him.

Now, I was fully prepared to talk about how blase the whole thing was, until I realized I’d forgotten a lot of the movie (I watched it a few months ago). I went back to refresh my memory by looking at some quotes on IMDB, and some of them totally made me chuckle. While the performances were a little weak, this movie had some SHARP writing – there is a subplot with Mark’s friends worrying about him, and their disastrous attempts to check him for a vampire bite on his groin in the gym’s shower were actually pretty funny. Subsequently, they fret about people mistaking them for gay (THAT again) and more interestingly, whether or not they might be.

The biggest comedy score for this movie was that it has – dun dun DUNN!!!! – Cleavon Little!

Cleavon Little.jpg
“Oh THAT Cleavon Little!’ I hear you saying!

Best known as Black Bart in Blazing Saddles, Cleavon Little was a very busy actor in television and stage, but only appeared in a few movies, most of which were forgotten. I saw his name in the credits for Once Bitten and was totally astounded.

He doesn’t get as much screen time as he ought, and he’s definitely a supporting character, acting as both snarky foil to the Countess and scheming henchman. While he’s playing a stereotypical ‘sassy gay butler’ trope, my GOD is he hilarious. If the film had been just a little more serious, with a little more emotional resonance, his performance and the film itself would be better remembered. Alas, there’s only so much he can do with the  material, and while the movie IS pretty funny, I just wish there had been more roles in Hollywood for him to play than be relegated to a cheesy 80s vampire sex comedy.

Anyhoodle, after Mark is bitten, he has to deal with the fallout of his girlfriend Robin being enraged that he cheated on her. Plus, the Countess still has her sights set on him – she has to drink his blood twice more before Halloween in order to retain her youthful beauty and immortality.

The rest of the movie is fairly predictable, but the dialogue is snappy and the comedy elements are decent. Hutton is clearly having a wonderful time as the femme fatale, and Jim Carrey makes a pretty convincing 80’s goth during the last third of the film, when the vampiric effects are really showing. There’s even a dance sequence!

ADORABLE!

There is a great scene where the Countess follows Mark and Robin to a store in the mall, where Robin is trying to help Mark pick out an outfit, suggesting various pastels and Cosby-type sweaters and white jeans (barf), and the Countess keeps surreptitiously intervening, suggesting black leather and such.

A fine vintage!

Additionally, the movie touches on some neuroses about sex that were so rampant during the 80s, especially about changing gender roles and the AIDS epidemic.

While it does make the sexually-aggressive Countess into a bad girl, Hutton does her best to make the character charming and fun, even if she IS evil and selfish. It’s clear that while she adores Mark, but he is just another fling in her long life, as illustrated by the stable of ghosts that live in the Countess’s basement. No doubt she courted each one as fervently before drinking their blood and losing interest.

Robin, though a boring good girl, is plucky and fiesty with her denim overalls and culottes, and is at least equally likeable. Usually the virgins in these movies are dull as dishwater, but she does a great job making the material work.

Overall, Once Bitten is another fun entry to the ’80s Vampire’ movie genre. It’s available on Netflix, and is a fun Friday night with friends nostalgia-fest. 

The Bitch Is Back Post: Catwomen and She-Devils

Granted, putting glasses and beige on Michelle Pfeiffer doesn’t exactly put her in the same league as Roseanne Barr, but Tim Burton’s effort to represent those forgotten women at least pays lip service to the fact that they exist. Because Selina Kyle’s apartment is TOTALLY that kind of woman’s abode: stuffed animals, pink, nightshirts with kittens on them, an old dollhouse. . . everything unthreatening, soft and pink and friendly, and it exists as her own escape from the cruelties of her real life.

Disclaimer: No, I never saw the Halle Berry one. We do not speak of it.

So!

Batman Returns. And She-Devil.

Although both had different aims, they both succeeded at some of the most subversive ideas brought to the screen in a mainstream 80’s movie.

They were delightfully underplayed attempts at bringing feminism with subtly anarchic overtones to the screen . Both, in their ways, were like the girls’ version of Fight Club before there WAS a Fight Club.

When Batman Returns came out, it was the summer between my 6th and 7th grade years. I remember the trailers for it–it looked like the exact thing my little heart had been waiting for. Even though I’ve seen it umpty-billion times sense, I remember the excitement during the opening credits sequence; Cobblepot’s tortuous pram is floating through the sewers, and just as the music swells, a cloud of bats flutters from the dark to form the film’s title. I STILL love that moment.

And of course–there was Catwoman.

Sultry, slinky, strong and dangerous, she was doing the stuff I pretended to do in my backyard–climbing walls, doing cartwheels, and making it look awesome. My diet of Ninja Turtles had fed in me a desire to practice backyard ninjitsu, and my Barbies had engendered a fascination with makeup. Catwoman was the perfect storm.

Pfeiffer’s Catwoman is obviously not a direct interpretation of the comic–the comic Catwoman was a jewel thief, a criminal with a more formalized modus operandi; she and Batman both break the rules, and both do it for personal reasons, but his reasons are (ostensibly) selfless while hers are selfish.

Hell Yeah
No, you cannot has. But maybe you can?

BR’s Catwoman is breaking the rules because she wants to, because the same rules are the ones that broke her. Her aim is less focused and results in chaos. She focuses her efforts on property destruction at first, and her first crime is to destroy a department store, one of those wretched bastions of ‘femininity’ that pretty much exist to convince women they are somehow inadequate in order to sell them shit they don’t need. Sound familiar?

“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need.”

The first rule is. . .
Oh yeah. You know it.

Women (and more recently, men–welcome to the objectification club, boys!) have been sold an idea of what they are supposed to be by the media. And it doesn’t stop at gender; minorities, gays, religious groups–everyone is shown by advertising and media what they are expected to be, and how they are expected to behave, by telling them what to buy. This is not news. Or it shouldn’t be.

The 80’s were a great time for onscreen anarchy, in both overt and covert forms. I’m not too interested in covering the overt forms, because for the purposes of this post, subversion is the name of the game. Bringing it down from the inside. . .oh yeah.

It’s interesting also because this is in line with another oddly anarchic women’s film of around the same time, Roseanne Barr’s She-Devil.

One of her character Rose’s great moments of revolution is to destroy her family home and all her family’s possessions; she does this by basically breaking all the ‘good housewife’ rules: she puts aerosol cans in the microwave, overloads electrical sockets, overfills the washing machine, throws a bunch of metal shit in the dryer (including the overhanging lightbulb)  fills an ashtray on top of a magazine pile with still-lit cigarettes, and leaves the blender on high with a knife jammed in the beaters.

After destroying the house, she takes the kids in a taxi to the abode of her nemesis, Mary Fisher, a romance novelist who has seduced Rose’s husband (played by a way too convincing Ed Begley, Jr. as a whining, entitled douche) away from her. Bob has been living in the lap of luxury, and now that Rose has dumped the kids on him, Mary Fisher’s fairytale life begins to crumble.

The anarchic thread in She-Devil is the preposition that there are more than beautiful, statuesque women in the world; indeed, the entire film is about those women marginalized and ignored by society; the same ones whose desire to be beautiful, and to be the center of everyone’s attention fuels the romance novel and romantic comedy industries. Society thrives on these women, who have been made to feel unattractive and undesirable to the point that escape from reality, through daytime soaps, romance novels, melodrama, and even video games has become necessary to their daily life. These women who–in the film–are instrumental to Rose’s vengeance plot through their intelligence and talents rather than their beauty (although one does get exploited for her beauty; Olivia, the bouncy, somewhat brainless secretary is manipulated by Rose to get to Bob, but since Rose herself was a victim of Bob’s duplicity the audience is not too unforgiving of Rose).

Granted, putting glasses and beige on Michelle Pfeiffer doesn’t exactly put her in the same league as Roseanne Barr, but Tim Burton’s effort to represent those forgotten women at least pays lip service to the fact that they exist. Because Selina Kyle’s apartment is TOTALLY that kind of woman’s abode: stuffed animals, pink, nightshirts with kittens on them, an old dollhouse. . . everything unthreatening, soft and pink and friendly, and it exists as her own escape from the cruelties of her real life.

Which is why it’s so brilliant–every woman who’s been downtrodden or marginalized had, at some point, something fierce and ferocious in her that had to be beaten out by society. It’s nice to imagine that just Selina’s fire was never really beaten out, ours hasn’t been either. It’s in there, waiting for something to come along to stoke it and prod it back to the surface. . . or maybe, sometimes it just happens all by itself.