Tag: 80s

Cronenbergian Grossaliciousness Entry: The Fly

The Fly is named on many ‘Best Of’ science fiction and horror lists, and there was some buzz (HA!) that Goldblum would be nominated for an Oscar–alas. They could have used his ‘barfing on donuts’ footage! Oscar magic, right there.

Let’s get it out there: The Fly, David Cronenberg’s 1986 remake, is gross. But then, you knew that, both from pop culture legends about it’s grossness and also because David Cronenberg couldn’t knit a sweater without incorporating the most sordid and hideous elements of The Body Grotesque. His entire body of work (HA!) has been informed by this theme, that no social or psychological horror is as horrific as that of the biological processes of the body.

Yes, have some.

One thing that isn’t made enough of in discussion of the film is the pure genius it took to take Jeff Goldblum and make him unattractive.

Because towards the end, Ye Gods.

Nasty.

Between the suppurating pustules, nodules, weird bristles, slime, hair loss, tumors, nightmarish eating habits (like a real fly, he barfs a powerful digestive enzyme on his food before consuming it)  and general overall grossness of his physiological changes, he has gone from a delicious muffin to a nightmarish morsel of roadkill.

If you’ve no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the story in a nutshell: Seth Brundle (Goldblum) is a shut-in mad scientist working on a device that can teleport matter, Wonka-style, by breaking the object down to the elements of its DNA and then reassembling it on the other side of the room. He can do inanimate objects, but anything alive gets–well, turned inside out. He meets science journalist Veronica (Geena Davis) and takes her back to his big weird loft in order to impress her. They begin a relationship (despite Veronica’s boss and ex-lover, a childish, pedantic man with the bizarre name of Stathis Borans throwing fits at her constantly) and it is after some hot sexy time that Brundle realizes  what’s missing from his science stuff: the computer doesn’t understand flesh.

After reprogramming it, he successfully teleports his test baboon and the two are thrilled. Then, after a lover’s spat where she leaves, he gets drunk and decides to teleport himself, just To Show Her. Unfortunately, a fly gets into the telepod with him.

At first, he feels great. He feels purified, remade, and performs startling feats of gymnastic strength and rocks Veronica’s world All Night Long, over and over again until she’s plumb worn out. When she can’t keep up with the New Improved Brundle, he tries to force her to teleport, insisting she’ll be New and Improved too, and thus able to keep up with him sexually. Distressed by his New Improved Manic state, she leaves again, and things go downhill for Brundle from there.

Oh that's Nasty.

Various cinematic pundits point to this transformation as symbolic of a few different things: the horrors of drug addiction, as in how Brundle tries to force Veronica to experience teleportation herself, insisting it’s the ultimate rush and then dumping her when she ‘can’t keep up’;  the aging process and mortality (hairs in weird places! Pustules where there were no pustules before!) ;  and the withering  ignobility of dealing with a terminal disease. Some specifically cite AIDS as an inspiration, but that read seems a little too specific–after all, the interpretation lies in the interpreter, and if one thing doesn’t mean different things to different viewers then it’s not a symbol, it’s an explicit sign.

Another interpretation could be about the changes people undergo in relationships; stay with someone long enough and you won’t be the same people you were at the beginning. In Brundlefly’s case, that is quite literally the truth, as his bathroom cabinet collection of lost body parts illustrates.

Yeah, his dick fell off. Cronenberg may be a genius, but he still managed to work a dick joke in, even if you blink and miss it.

Things don’t go too great for Veronica either–a nightmare sequence at an abortion clinic was the only thing about the movie I clearly remembered from the first time I saw it, in 1993 or so. Let’s just say Cronenberg’s grasp of body horror isn’t just limited to male functions.

'Be Grossed Out. Be Very Grossed Out.'

Since Brundlefly’s gradual loss of humanity is the heart of the story, Davis acts as a compassionate observer to his gruesome transformation. Even at his most loathsome, we are able to see Brundlefly at least a little bit as he once was, and not as the walking, oozing cold sore he is, completely due to her willingness to see and interact with him. One of the most horrific moments for me is when she visits Brunflefly at about stage 2 of his change, pictured above, and still will not only see him as someone worth saving, but will embrace him as someone who is terrified at what’s happening to him.

That basic element of human compassion takes a film that could have just been about the grossout and elevates it to a beautiful examination of the gradual disintegration of their relationship. Although in Brundlefly’s case, he’s less disintegrating than integrating an external part into himself–the fly and its strange, primal view of the world.

The Fly is named on many ‘Best Of’ science fiction and horror lists, and there was some buzz (HA!) that Goldblum would be nominated for an Oscar–alas. They could have used his ‘barfing on donuts’ footage! Oscar magic, right there.

The Fly is available on Instant Watch. I have to say if you’re going to watch it you ought to know what you’re getting into–and for heaven’s sake, don’t eat while you’re watching it!

Joyful, Mindless Abandon Entry: Earth Girls are Easy

Earth Girls are Easy is a fun, silly romp with the most subtle and sly of jokes. And it’s vaguely anarchic take on 80’s Valley Girl shtick is not an accident – -it was directed by Julian Temple, who’s documentaries are arguably who put The Sex Pistols on the map of the 70’s punk scene. Quite a weird pedigree for a movie with this much flamingo pink in it.

Way more fun than sunbathing usually is.

1988’s ‘Earth Girls are Easy’ is almost ridiculous in how much fun it is.

Beyond the goofy story, kitschy production design, random musical numbers and serendipitous casting, the movie seems less like a real thing and more like a modern teenager’s fever dream of what the ultimate ridiculous 80’s movie might be. It stars Geena Davis, Damon Wayans, Jim Carrey, and Julie Brown. It’s equal parts Barbie/Valley Girl vapidity, sci-fi satire, and romantic comedy.

Also, it has vintage Jeff Goldblum.

Fun Fact: Did you know Jeff Goldblum's torso makes a perfect equilateral triangle? I can do that math. Yes I can.

Jeff Goldblum is the male equivalent of the thing they do in movies where they take a hot girl and put glasses on her to make her dowdy. Put him in glasses and a jacket with elbow patches and you have a nerdly college professor who is still smoking hot. Put him in overalls and you have a hot farmer. Dress him in sweats and a ‘Han Shot First!’ tshirt with Cheeto stains and he’s still That Hot Guy who’s into World of Warcraft. The man’s hotness is unimpeachable.

Earth Girls are Easy begins with two furry aliens onboard their little ship, trying to get their version of Skinemax working. Jim Carrey, proving to the world that even a red fursuit can’t cramp his overacting style, plays Wiploc, and the more restrained and somewhat more charming Zeebo is played by Damon Wayans. Their captain, Mac, is snoozing in some kind of giant laser tube while his crew gets up to shenanigans.

Enter Val, the consummate Valley Girl, trying to entice her fiancee into a night of passion back on Earth–only to be rebuffed. Doctor Ted, World’s Biggest Shitheel, comes home ‘tired’ from work and goes right to sleep. What’s really going on is that Ted is just not that attracted to Val anymore, and is considering a ‘last fling’ with a coworker in order to spice things up before he marries her. Because, you know, if there’s one thing a troubled relationship needs, it’s infidelity.

Valerie, in an attempt to win back Ted’s affections, undergoes a makeover at the salon where she works, orchestrated by Julie Brown, an 80’s personality who co-wrote the film. The result has Val looking a bit like Pris from Blade Runner–owing more to Davis’s 6-foot-tall frame and bone structure than anything else.

It's all fun and games until the technology becomes self aware.

Seriously. Her legs go on longer than a Ken Burns documentary.

Anyway, it turns out Ted thought she would be out of the house and takes the opportunity to bring home his fling–with disastrous results. Val throws his ass out with nothing but his boxers and carkeys,  and performs a pretty boss little music video montage where she trashes his stuff.

Even for the 80’s, that was pretty 80’s-tastic.

Anyhoodle, the next day the aliens land in her pool, drawn to the Valley by images of hot girls doing aerobics. With Julie Brown’s help, she shaves and dyes them, making them look normal (if not distractingly hot). This might have been a fun place to reflect on the details of the change–if they don’t shave every day, do they get red, yellow or blue stubble? Was ALL their bodyhair affected? Are these questions I really want to know the answer to?

Although from another planet, their Asperger’s-like interactions with other Valley inhabitants go completely unnoticed, and Val’s explanation that they are a Finnish rock band placates the rare question. Hell, there’s not much people questioned then.

Every scene looks like it takes place in Pee-Wee's Playhouse. This is a good thing.

The humor of the movie is more clever than you’d expect: Davis was a gifted comedic actress, after all, and while the movie doesn’t make the most of her talents, her charm and mildly vapid gawkiness gives the film a necessary boost. And little nods to both the seediness of the local scene (especially Michael McKean’s past-his-prime surfer, Woody) and classic Sci-fi (an ice cream parlor in the background is ‘2001 Flavors,’ Val’s dream after sex with Mac has a small army of recognizable science fiction stalwarts, like Robby the Robot and fishbowl helmets. And much of the film’s best laughs are little throwaway moments: Val dismissing instant pudding as ‘too much work,’ or Goldblum ‘acting normal’ by pretending to shave with a stuffed animal in the background of a scene which is mostly between Val and Ted.

Earth Girls are Easy is a fun, silly romp with the most subtle and sly of jokes. And it’s vaguely anarchic take on 80’s Valley Girl shtick is not an accident – -it was directed by Julian Temple, who’s documentaries are arguably who put The Sex Pistols on the map of the 70’s punk scene. Quite a weird pedigree for a movie with this much flamingo pink in it.

Earth Girls are Easy is available on Instant Watch.

4 More Life Lessons from 80’s Movies

There is no saving Artax. He has reached his limit, and will not be moved. Atreyu can’t save his horse, because Artax doesn’t want to save himself–and when someone loses the will to live, even after the intervention of their friends and family, there’s little that will drag them back.

Every culture in the world will eventually produce a set of maxims for behavior; from the laws of Nebuchadnezzar, to the doctrines of Thomas Aquinas, to basic Internet Etiquette, there are morals and suggestions for human interaction everywhere–you could trip over them and someone would be there to tell you what you did wrong.

Oddly enough, I noticed a lot of 80’s movies had such maxims, and have been collecting them and posting them as I think of them. The first part of the list can be found here.

4. The Secret of Nimh – ‘Crying doesn’t solve anything.’

Sometimes, your best isn't good enough--whatever it is, it needs to get DONE.

Mrs. Brisby has some serious problems.

Her husband was recently killed in an accident, one of her three children is desperately ill, and she needs to move her family (including her house) to a new location, otherwise they will be crushed by the farmer’s tractor when it is time to harrow the field they live in.

Lady has a lot on her mind.

So when the tractor starts up unexpectedly, she and her friend Auntie Shrew (who I always thought of as one hardass bitch–she either had some messed up stuff happen in her life or did some time in Vermin Jail), who are both about the size of a lemon, take it on.

A mouse and a shrew take on a tractor.

While all the other animals in the field are hauling ass from the path of the tractor, Mrs. Brisby and the shrew are running towards it, screaming warnings. They reach the tractor, clamber up a loose chain, and begin scrambling about its interior in search of a way to shut it down. Brisby, faced with the prospect of falling into the churned earth the harrow blade turns up, shuts down, and can only cling to the tractor and shake. The Shrew winds up tearing out a crucial hose (oil?) and the tractor shuts down.

Later, as the two gather their wits in the high grass, Brisby breaks down crying over the ordeal, but also the recent traumas she’s faced.

Coldly, almost hatefully, the Shrew snarls at her to “Stop it.”

You'd be surprised how many good pictures there aren't of her.

The Shrew is disgusted, not by the display, but because Brisby doesn’t have the luxury of being selfish right now, of thinking about her woes and weeping. She needs to get her shit together and figure out how she’s going to save her children–when Brisby plaintively weeps ‘I wish Jonathan [her husband] was here’ you get a sense that Brisby was overly reliant on him, that he would have figured something out himself, saving her the trouble. She wants to be taken care of again, to have someone else fix her problems, and she doesn’t have that option anymore–it’s up to her.

Brisby is now a single mother. The rest of the movie consists of her learning how strong she truly is, as she faces terrifying creatures and learns to trust herself to do the right thing. I can’t think of another movie in recent years that so elegantly explores the plight of a single parent and all that it entails. Not a children’s movie about talking mice, anyway.

3. Legend – ‘Trust People.’

Who is our Generation's Tim Curry? What actor in recent years could step into these pants? WHO?

With all the fantasy trappings surrounding Legend–unicorns, goblins, fairies, pixies, wild boys in shorts, princesses, giant castles, monsters,  and a certain giant red campy fellow–it’s easy to lose sight of what the film is really about: trusting people.

Jack is a recluse, living in the woods with his animal friends and relaxed dress code. There’s a reason he’s there and not in the city, and it isn’t to save money on production costs–he’s a hermit, he doesn’t trust people. Only Lily, a spoiled Princess, can get close to him.

Which is why, when Jack takes Lily to see the unicorns and she ignores him, breaking a major rule and actually TOUCHING ONE, he loses his trust in her. He doesn’t know that the reason the unicorn freaked out was due to the goblins’ poisoned dart, or anything about the machinations of Darkness and his goblins. He thinks that Lily touching the unicorn is what ruined everyone’s day.

So though he spends the rest of the movie trying to make right what happened, and save her, it is also about him remembering to trust her, no matter what she’s done or how she’s changed. Remember, when he left her, she was all ‘Disney Princess Barbie,’ with the smiles and the charm and the giggling. When he finds her again, she looks like this:

If it doesn't fit, you improvise!

Since he dumped her, she’s been rooming and sharing clothes and makeup tips with Klaus Nomi Darkness, a red-skinned fellow with an infectious laugh and an even more relaxed dress code than Jack. They’re kind of like Mickey and Donald–Mickey (Darkness) wears pants, and Donald (Jack) wears a shirt–together they make a whole outfit.

Anyhoo, when Jack has to make his choice, he’s got a bunch of fairies yelling in his ear that Lily can’t be trusted, that she’s changed. His faith in her is an illustration of the pure goodness alluded to in the rest of the film–after all, being good means being good ALL the time, not getting to pick and choose when you follow the rules–the fairies hearts’ were in the right place but they don’t know everything, as is established earlier by Gump not being aware of Oona’s secret.  Jack trusts Lily–and the day is saved.

2. The Burbs – Idle Hands are the Devil’s Playthings

Dear Tom Hanks: Comedy misses you. Please take its calls again.

I miss the comedy films of Tom Hanks.

I haven’t seen too many of his dramas the last five years or so–no particular reason other than I already see more than enough dramas and have no interest in Dan Brown’s books.

But one upon a time, he made comedies. Fantastic, creative comedies the likes of which aren’t made anymore because of the lack of fart jokes and horrible people in them. Hanks took a middling comedy and elevated it to hilarity.

The Burbs is a comedy about a man who decides to spend his vacation lying around the house, drinking beer with friends and speculating on the new neightbors who have just moved in. He wants to garden, to vegetate, to putter, to wear his pajamas all day and relax.

But his bucolic rest is interrupted when he and his buddies begin inflating the importance of neighborhood events into something sinister–a missing neighbor, an errant toupee, the new neighbors digging in the backyard during a rainstorm in the middle of the night… conclusions are drawn and plans are made.

The lesson here (although it turns out that the neighbors WERE up to something unsavory) is that boredom can lead to invention the same way necessity can, the difference being that being bored usually gets people into trouble–boredom in a relationship can lead to cheating, boredom with a job leads to dissatisfaction and doing it half-assed, boredom with your life breeds a need for escapism.

Not only that, but The Burbs were one of those early movies that had the courage to suggest that maybe the good old days..weren’t so good? Like No Country For Old Men, it dared to present the idea that rose-colored glasses were a pretty poor medium for viewing the past.

1. The Neverending Story – When You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Going.

This is the big one for me.

 i
Just looking at it breaks my heart all over again

There are a lot of lessons to be learned from The Neverending Story–about following your dreams, about courage, about trusting people–but the one that always, always, always jumps out at me when I am watching it is that no matter how shitty things get, you have to keep going.

Depression is a pervasive illness many people don’t realize they have. It’s insidious, it creeps in and ruins your good times, pushes you away from happiness, makes you hurt others (this numbness, where the things you usually enjoy bring no pleasure, is known as ‘anhedonia’) . Many people think of depression as being sad for a time, as a period with a fixed beginning and ending. Depression is not being ‘down in the dumps,’  it’s a chemical imbalance that can become more or less pronounced, but never really goes away. It can be medicated, and combated with therapy, but at best you will learn how to manage it and live with it.

Enter the nefarious scene with Artax the horse–Atreyu tries to drag the horse bodily out of the swamps of sadness, and when the latter won’t move he becomes angry, screaming, insulting the horse, then just pleading and begging as the horse sinks deeper into the black muck. ‘Move, please,’ still brings tears to my eyes, every time I hear that barely-teenaged boy’s voice.

There is no saving Artax. He has reached his limit, and will not be moved. Atreyu can’t save his horse, because Artax doesn’t want to save himself–and when someone loses the will to live, even after the intervention of their friends and family, there’s little that will drag them back.

It’s a scene that doesn’t get the cinematic respect it should–I mean, the movie isn’t Schindler’s List, but it’s no Battlefield: Earth, either. It’s a moving metaphor for depression: after all, it’s easy to stop moving, but sometimes nearly impossible to get going again.

More than anything else, depression is what happens when you forget the feeling of joy, of hope. Remembering it, rediscovering that warmth and happiness, can be one of the most rewarding moments in your life, but my god, getting there can be an uphill battle.

He Kept Going.

Ramblings: A Girl’s Guide to Sexual Awakening in Film

I cannot count the cinema essays and articles I’ve read over the years where some critic lists scenes in movies that first introduced him to the concept, ‘Whoa! Girls and Boys have DIFFERENT PARTS!’

If I had a quarter for every time I’ve heard Phoebe Cates’s red bathing suit scene mentioned, I’d be dictating this entry to my houseboy ‘Ceviche’ while we lounged poolside somewhere decorous and decadent.

I cannot count the cinema essays and articles I’ve read over the years where some critic lists scenes in movies that first introduced him to the concept, ‘Whoa! Girls and Boys have DIFFERENT PARTS!’

If I had a quarter for every time I’ve heard Phoebe Cates’s red bathing suit scene mentioned, I’d be dictating this entry to my houseboy ‘Ceviche’ while we lounged poolside somewhere decorous and decadent.

If this doesn't drum up traffic I don't know what will. Except porn.

There are others, usually somewhat unique to the critic; mentions are made of Marilyn Monroe’s famous subway grating scene, Raquel Welch’s furry underpants, Sophia Loren, Bridgette Bardot; the list goes on and on into the ‘sirens’ of today, none of which are coming to mind.

I remember in elementary school my good friend Eddie waxed rhapsodic about the tassle scene at the end of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark; we swore a pact that if I sprouted boobs like hers I would practice spinning tassles off them, and one day find him and show him. Alas, I sprouted no such thing(s). I’m sorry I let you down Eddie–it’s my life’s great failure.

Anyhow, I was reading one of the inestimable Todd Alcott’s  film reviews when I saw he’d chosen to review ‘Labyrinth.’ But Nowhere in his review did he mention how David Bowie’s tights-swathed area ignited a fascination in millions of young girls, sending them toddling down the road to puberty, or how Jereth’s entreaty for Sarah to love him by obeying him was the hardest task for her to face in the whole story–after all, physical dangers are often easy to identify. It’s the emotional pitfalls that are hardest to escape from.

So! In the interest of exploring new territory, I bring you the subject of this entry, and encourage you, the reader, whatever gender you are and however you are oriented,  to share your own stories in the comments below: A Girl’s Guide to Sexual Awakening in Film.

1. Labyrinth  – Men Can Also Be Objectified.

Ken’s parts were different that Barbie’s. That much I was clear on.

The Man, The Legend, The Peen

But how they differed was not readily evident, not even in the art books I was exposed to as a child. What wasn’t carefully covered by a fig leaf was pretty weird looking, and it was hard to believe such a fuss in our culture was made over covering the equivalent of a garden slug.

And well–just LOOK at our boy there. Not very inspiring, in the crotchal region. And of course that was intentional on the part of Michelangelo, but still. You hear a line in an action movie where someone says something about a ‘huge dick’ and that is your frame of reference.

There’s also the fact that for a few years in the 80’s, it was acceptable to show naked women in PG-rated movies. Sheena, Clash of the Titans..others that aren’t coming to mind. Anyway, I waited patiently to see naked men, thinking it was only fair–to no avail.

Enter a little movie about a sparkly, fancy-pants magic man who wants a girlfriend he can boss around.

This picture is worth lots and lots of words. LOOOOTS of words.

What really cemented my fascination with the movie was the fact that OTHER girls were fascinated, too.

What was IN there? WHAT?

We speculated, joked, stuffed our pajama bottoms with pillows and danced around. But our questions weren’t answered until much later in life, usually in sweaty and breathless encounters with people as terrified (or drunk) as we were.

But the magic of those pants and their mysterious contents lives on, both in the silly, girlish thrill I get watching Bowie dance and in the hundreds of thousands of websites, artwork, and articles dedicated to them. Articles like this one right here.

Objectification holds within it certain flaws; after all, turning a person into an object removes responsibility from the viewer for the object’s feelings, motivations, and any dissenting opinions they might have. It removes the object from being ‘The Other’ and makes being attracted to them simpler, and without emotional risk to the viewer. In short, you don’t have to care about them.

Since Jereth is the film’s villain (and I’m not confusing him with, you know, a real person) I feel quite okay objectifying him. I objectify the HELL out of him, in fact.

2. Conan the Destroyer – Girls can chase boys!

When asked by a young naive girl what Zula, played by Grace Jones, would do if she were attracted to someone, Zula responds ‘Grab him, and take him.’

When I was little, for a time, I wanted to be Grace Jones when I grew up.

This was MAGNIFICENT when I heard it.

I had been taught by movies, cartoons and books that boys went after ‘ladies,’ that they came to your house with chocolates, flowers, and awkwardness. You played hard to get, you pretended you weren’t interested, you spent your life waiting by the phone for boys to call.

We all know now what bullshit that is. I have been approached by men a handful of times, and each relationship I’ve had began by my showing interest in someone and pursuing them, not the other way around. Given my poor track record for social interactions and tendency towards bluntness, chasing the boys was pretty much my only option. And they ran, believe me. They ran like hell.

But for every ten or twenty who hauled ass, at least one was into that. Men (at least the men I tend to hang with or date ) are HUMAN, which means they are not above wanting emotional validation, and not above wanting to feel special, sometimes even feel pursued. These men, at least I’ve found, are often the ones who are much more secure emotionally, are are less likely to pull bullshit mindgames or marginalize their significant other. And they don’t want it done to them, either.

So I’d like to thank Grace Jones for her portrayal of strong, confident Zula, even if she was a little crazy. The rest of the United States might be thanking her for single-handedly introducing ecstasy to the New York club scene in the 80’s, but I’m glad she showed tomgirls (and anyone, really) how to really go after what you want.

3. The Breakfast Club – People Do Stupid Things To Impress Other People

John Bender. My god, that would have been my ultimate man right there when I was in college. Brash, arrogant, dark eyed,  floppy-haired, he had it all.

He was also monstrously immature and at heart a frightened child, which would have been tailor-made for me and all my unarticulated neuroses 0f the time.

It was a simpler time, then.

But growing up and leaving behind a fascination with ‘bad boys’ is why I’m where I am today, and not on my third divorce or struggling with a serious habit instead of just being an unemployed drunk. Lesser of two evils, believe me.

Anyhoodle, there are multiple scenes in the film illustrating Bender’s attempts to impress ‘Princess’ Claire; in several conversations, after Claire has made some kind of declaration towards one thing or other (it’s okay if a guy’s a virgin, sex with someone you love is okay), the camera cuts to a quick reaction shot from Bender, showing how he is processing this new fact and how he will probably try to use it to his advantage–or against Claire when he decides to lash out at her, as he is prone to doing. Bender is a criminal, but he’s also, like most people his age, deeply invested in other people’s image of him, and manipulating that image is a full-time job. He shows off by mouthing off to the principal and to Andrew, the Wrestler, and bullying Brian the Brain until he notices she isn’t impressed by that.

Also, I’d like to submit the scene later in the film where Claire has snuck into the closet to see him as exceptionally hot. When she leans forward and kisses him on the neck, it’s a special moment–there’s a smash cut to the scene, and you can tell from the way they’re sitting it’s obvious that Bender was probably saying something ridiculous and posturing to impress her, and was caught off guard by the move. I love that scene, because it acknowledges that yes, women can be sexually assertive and the world won’t burn down, and also that deep down Bender has been wanting to be pursued– just a little.

So, thus armed with my iconoclastic notions of romance, I sallied forth and probably wreaked unspeakable harm on the boys I chased. I left roses on their desks (I still cringe at that one), wrote them inane notes, catered to their egos, even gave them presents. I can’t even imagine how embarrassing it must have been for them, especially the ones I fixated on for more than a few days.

Sorry guys, but hey, we all had crap to work out back in the day. But if the worst thing that happened to them in middle school was being treated to cookies or handed a flower by The Weird Girl, then that’s not too terrible a thing. Maybe a few of my ‘victims’ even look back fondly on those days

Horror Movies: I grew up, they didn’t.

I hear young filmmakers say things like ‘Why should I study someone that everyone else thinks is so great? I’m trying to do something new!’ Guess what, precious, people were doing this before you were born and some of them ACTUALLY knew what the hell they were doing. There is a wealth of human knowledge for the taking, all you have to do is want to learn.

In short, Welcome To Earth, it was here before you were born.

Of late, my love affair with horror movies has been on the rocks.

In the summer of 1998, I watched every horror movie I could get my hands on. I went through all the Friday the 13ths, all the Nightmare on Elm Streets, all the Halloweens. I saw Hills Have Eyes, The Shining, the Fright Nights, The Howlings, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Psycho, The Birds, The Amityville Horrors, the Exorcists, the Puppet Masters, the Subspecies, Castle Freak, and a LOT more I can’t even remember. I’m not telling you this for bragging rights, I’m telling you this because I want you to know HOW MUCH I love horror movies.

But recently, my love has soured.

Yes, I know I am not making movies and at least they tried. But did they? Really?

They just don’t please me anymore–I’ve grown up, matured, and see the world differently: political corruption, panpidemics, ecological disasters, economic hardship, the aging of my friends and family, all are things that affect me directly and indirectly. I don’t watch FOX News and shit my pants every time they use the scary voice, but there are bigger things in the world than me and I’m aware of it.  ‘Growing up,’ it’s called, and the darkness under the bed or in the closet isn’t scary anymore because there might be a monster in it, but because my fears have become larger, more abstract than just monsters. My fears have grown with me.

Horror movies, by and large, haven’t.

There’ve been a few in recent years that scare me, certainly. The Ring (US and Japanese version), a few Asian horror movies, El Orfanato, The Devil’s Backbone, The Audition, Pan’s Labyrinth (not overtly a horror movie but still has its moments) and a moment or two in the Silent Hill movie (which has nothing on the games for scares–or if you’re REALLY into frightening games, check out the Fatal Frame series, if you can find it), British submarine movie Below.

This is a Cheap Shot--I'm sure this is hilarious in the right context. But still, my point is valid.

The point is, there are still good horror movies being made, it’s just a slog to find them sometimes. Especially since I have such a weird viewpoint of what makes a horror movie good. I don’t expect filmmakers to please me–I’m just one internet critic with a lot of time and a lot of opinions. But instead of seeing films and bitching about them, I’ve made my own little list of what takes a horror movie from something that makes you wonder if it’s a money laundering operation for the mob to something watchable. It”s a somewhat subjective list since I am very snobby about the horror movies I watch, but at least I know what I like.

1. Likeable, or at least compelling characters

Recently, I started watching ‘Incident On and Off a Mountain Road,’ Don Coscarelli’s entry to Showtime’s Masters of Horror series. It opens on a woman driving on a secluded road, who crashes into another car. She gets out to check on the other person, and sees blood.  Then we flash back to a date the woman went on with a man. The man is talking about economic hardships faced by children in other countries, (I think it was Thailand or India). The woman responded ‘Do I look like the kind of girl who cares about kids in 3rd world countries?’

I turned it off.

Being an entitled bitch doesn’t make her an interesting character, and we still don’t know what kind of person she is, so this is her introduction, not the scene in the car. I read the summary of the rest of the movie, and she has a lot of horrible shit happen to her, which makes me suspect that the whole movie is just a punishment fantasy.

Even if your character isn’t likable, they can still be compelling. And even if not, then having bad stuff happen to them should be HARD for you to write.

2. Understand your Limitations

If you want to make a huge effects-driven film with lots of monsters and elaborate sets and production pieces and it needs to take place in a series of four-star hotels, and your budget is somewhere around that of a used Honda, then guess what kind of movie you probably aren’t making.

Can it be done? Most Certainly. Necessity is the mother of invention, and more has been achieved cinematically in the last 35 years with less. Some of the biggest, most evocative horror movies were shot on a fairly low budget. Being creative, and flexible, makes things happen. I like watching a movie that isn’t afraid to make do with what they’ve got–Gothic, the film about scary things happening the night Shelley, Byron, Polidori and Shelley got together to write their horror stories, got a RIDICULOUS amount of mileage out of a ghilly suit and a rubber mask. It Can Be Done.

3. Broaden Your Worldview

Challenging yourself makes you a better person, which makes you a better artist, which makes your art better. If you grew up in an upper-middle class white neighborhood, then do something outside of your comfort zone. Go to a shitty flea market in a rough part of town. Hang around an ER waiting room and watch the people going in. Read non-fiction books dealing with social and political upheaval that take place in a country you’ve never been to. See documentaries, talk to people you have nothing in common with.

The point to this exercise is learning that what scares you probably isn’t what scares other people. True, vampires might pale in comparison to genocide in Rwanda, but understand that in the right context, a good metaphor can scare the shit out of people. There’s a reason District 9 was so good–it was about something real. I like movies that take me not just out of my life, but puts me somewhere else that’s interesting, that I want to explore more. Session 9, a new horror cult classic followed a HAZMAT crew as they removed asbestos from a haunted insane asylum. No bullshit, just some blue collar guys doing their jobs.

4. Learn From Others

Study the Masters–not just people you admire, but EVERYONE. If someone is a great filmmaker, find out why.  Read books that AREN’T about film, see movies in languages you don’t speak.

I hear young filmmakers say things like ‘Why should I study someone that everyone else thinks is so great? I’m trying to do something new!’ Guess what, precious, people were doing this before you were born and some of them ACTUALLY knew what the hell they were doing. There is a wealth of human knowledge for the taking, all you have to do is want to learn.

In short, Welcome To Earth, it was here before you were born.

You’ll notice that nowhere in my list did I include guts, blood, torture porn, or teenagers in their underwear. That just isn’t what I’m looking for. Also, it’s stupid–horror movies in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s were known for also functioning as softcore porn delivery devices, since real porn was kind of hard to get hold of. In this day and age, when you can get porn on your phone, it seems quaint to include gratuitous sex in movies. It says of the filmmakers ‘God! These people are paying to see our movie instead of jerking off for free at home! We have to include lots of sex scenes otherwise we’re wasting valuable wank time!’  The logic is lost on me.

True horror is at best a suggestion rather than an insistance.

Anyhoodle, there’ve been a few horror movies in recent years that really caught my eye and I thought were worth mentioning. I’ll be doing reviews of them as I can, starting with Session 9.

Every time I see a good horror movie I want more, I want to overdose on them as I did that one glorious summer–alas, there’s only enough to go around for a really good hit now and then.