Oh, For Heaven’s SAKE…

Some folks in the comments on that post have suggested gender-swapping Jareth and starring someone like Tilda Swinton (SWINTON) or Annie Lennox.

 

Look, I know a lot of people on the East Coast are having Real World Problems right now due to Winter Storm Jonas. That really sucks, and having myself lived through some hurricanes that caused massive wreckage, my heart goes out to them on this Monday morning. I hope you all make it to work if you can, and if you can’t, may your power be unflagging and your internet connection without lag. 

That said, I have to talk about this:

Sorry Everyone, a Labyrinth Reboot is In the Works

I’m not going on a tear about how this is destroying my childhood or whatever. Things change, the center cannot hold, and any thing that generates buzz is considered up for grabs for a remake. I will always have the original. And hey, Guardians of the Galaxy turned out to be a hell of a great surprise, AND they have an actual Henson involved! We shall see.

Continue reading “Oh, For Heaven’s SAKE…”

The Unaltered Star Wars Trilogy!

Did you grow up Back in the Day® watching the original Star Wars trilogy? Do you miss the weird orange smear under Luke’s desert speeder on Tatooine?

Pssst… hey!

Hey you! 

Did you grow up Back in the Day® watching the original Star Wars trilogy? Do you miss the weird orange smear under Luke’s desert speeder on Tatooine?

The original Ewok song?

Did you miss….

…HAN SHOOTING FIRST?

Word on the street is this article tells you how to watch the original, in all its handmade, DIY glory.

How to Watch the Original Star Wars Trilogy. 

DON’T tell them I sent you. Forget we talked, yeah?

Yeah.

*Flicks away pretend cigarette, shuffles off down a dark alley*

Halloween and the Kitchen Sink Week: The Monster Squad

The Monster Squad is one of those few movies I wouldn’t mind seeing a remake/reboot of. For one thing, all the kids are white, and live in that kind of surreal 80s suburbia where kids wander around unattended all the time and ride their bikes miles away from their house without their parents noticing.

October is Horror Movie month, where we let down our hair and celebrate all things macabre and scary! Not that we don’t during the rest of the year, but still… HORROR MOVIES! People who don’t like horror are encouraged to check back November 1st for less bloody and/or disturbing films. For everyone else, let’s put on our galoshes and WADE INTO THE MIRE!

We’re switching gears yet again with Halloween and the Kitchen Sink Week – this week’s entries all include Halloween or its trappings in some way, AND they will be much shorter in length. There’s not much logic to their selection, so don’t think that I’m intentionally leaving things out – these movies put me in the Halloween spirit for whatever reason. It’s the final countdown to Halloween, so throw some candy in a bag, put on your walking shoes and come trick or treating!

Today, we’re looking at the monstrous mishmash The Monster Squad!

Today’s entry will contain spoilers! 

The Gang's All Here!
The Gang’s All Here!

The Monster Squad, oh, The Monster Squad! It holds a special place in my heart and always shall. It is often compared to The Goonies, with good reason – both came from the 80s, featured an ensemble cast of kids, were about “outsider” kids with uninvolved parents going on an adventure together, have kids befriending a misfit, and Mary Ellen Trainor appears as a clueless Mom in both — but Monster Squad felt especially tailor-made for me because of my love of monsters and old horror movies, even at a young age. And Stan Winston did the effects!

I always liked the interchanges between the kids in this movie because they were more like what I was used to – the kids are snotty and irreverent with each other, calling each other names (one kid’s nickname is literally Fat Kid), and just being jerks. They were, in short, like REAL kids when adults aren’t around.

<3 Best Friends Forever! <3
Best Friends Forever! <3

I always loved Phoebe, Sean’s 5-year-old sister, because she was basically me. She loved monsters and just wanted to play with other kids into the same stuff, and follows her big brother around being a pain, as I did with my cousins. Tom Noonan’s much-lauded portrayal of Frankenstein’s monster as childlike and confused when people are afraid of him is another wonderful facet of the movie. The moment when he’s presented with a Halloween mask of his own face and asks the children if he is scary is so touching.

And yes, Wolfman does indeed got nards. Bless the internet!
And yes, Wolfman does indeed got nards. Bless the internet!

Another delightful layer to the film is its deconstruction of perception, as is exhibited by the squad’s fearful treatment of the aptly named Scary German Guy. They have Abraham Van Helsing’s diary but it’s in German, so they to ask the resident shut-in neighbor to help them translate. He is delighted to do so, sharing pie and sodas with the boys, and is only too eager to tell them about the rules of vampires. The boys mention he knows a lot about monsters, and he agrees, closing the door and revealing a number tattooed on his wrist–he is a Holocaust survivor. (I have this scene to thank for introducing me to the Holocaust– I asked my father what the numbers meant, and he explained. Although at the time I couldn’t conceptualize of such a thing, the idea was at least planted for when I would encounter it later, in middle school). SGG goes on to join the squad and be a hero at the end of the film.

What? No I'm not crying during this scene SHUT UP YOU'RE CRYING
What? No I’m not crying during this scene SHUT UP YOU’RE CRYING

I can’t even tell you how much goofy fun this movie is. Duncan Reghr, who I’ve literally never seen in anything else and whose body functions as a support system for his magnificent cheekbones, plays Dracula so camp he qualifies as his own tent city. He hisses, stalks, arches his brows and wears the full evening-wear-and-medallion-getup, complete with red satin-lined cape.

"Bitch... PLEASE."
“Bitch… PLEASE.”

What really blows my mind is how violent it was for a movie aimed at children. I mean the wolfman BLOWS UP (and his clothes miraculously reassemble when he does) and is spread around in bloody pieces on the ground. Dracula kills like thirty deputies and very obviously murders three women (whose catholic schoolgirl uniforms turn into diaphanous dresses) and turns into a grotesque bat creature with a huge bullet wound at one point. When the Mummy is unraveled all kinds of gross stuff falls out of his torso. Rudy, despite being in junior high, smokes and drinks what looks like a beer *clutches pearls*. The kids all swear – although I do have to point out that the words ‘f*ggot’ and ‘h*mo’ are used.

The Monster Squad is one of those few movies I wouldn’t mind seeing a remake/reboot of. For one thing, all the kids are white, and live in that kind of surreal 80s suburbia where kids wander around unattended all the time and ride their bikes miles away from their house without their parents noticing.

The Monster Squad is a fun movie for this time of year, if not family friendly – if you haven’t seen it you might want to check it out  before showing it to your kids, but as always, I defer to your judgment!

I have so much more I could say about this film but I have to keep things short for this week – tune in Friday when we take at look at bizarre underrated classic Pumpkinhead! 

Hell Week: Clive Barker’s Hellraiser

Today’s post is about the Hellraiser series and unfortunately is NSFW – mostly because it’s damn near impossible to show work-safe images from the movies. Also S&M, torture, physical, mental, and sexual abuse…

….Man, you start listing all the disturbing things in this series and wonder what you’re doing with your time…

ANYWAY!

October is Horror Movie month, where we let down our hair and celebrate all things macabre and scary! Not that we don’t during the rest of the year, but still… HORROR MOVIES! People who don’t like horror are encouraged to check back November 1st for less bloody and/or disturbing films. For everyone else, let’s put on our galoshes and WADE INTO THE MIRE! 

This week is Hell Week, where we’ll be focusing the Hellraiser series. Unfortunately these posts are NSFW – mostly because it’s damn near impossible to show work-safe images from the movies. Also LOTS OF gore, S&M, torture, physical, mental, and sexual abuse…

….Man… you start listing all the disturbing things in this series and wonder what you’re doing with your time…

ANYWAY! On to the review!

Here we go, folks!
Here we go, folks!

[DISCLAIMER: I recently watched the first 3 movies, and although I think I saw the “Hellraiser in Space” one, I don’t remember anything from it. I might watch the rest of the series over the month, we will see! Also, brace yourself for bad puns.]

HELLRAISER

I GOT YOU A PRESENT HERE OPEN IT
Fun fact: Pinhead’s real name is ‘Hell Priest’ or ‘Priest,’ and Clive Barker never liked him being called Pinhead. The crew began calling him that during the makeup process and the name stuck (HA!)

Clive Barker wrote and directed the first Hellraiser movie, which is based on his novella The Hellbound Heart. You can’t get much closer to the source material when it comes to realizing an artist’s vision, and that is probably why the first movie is one of the most respected horror films of the genre. When Barker’s good, he’s REALLY good. His characters are fleshed-out (HA!) and believable: boring, staid Larry is trying to rekindle romance with his second wife, Julia, who had an affair years ago with Larry’s hot, globetrotting scumbag brother Frank, who we saw murdered in the film’s opening after he solved a mysterious puzzle box– as one does. Larry and Julia move into Larry’s old childhood home, a BEAUTIFUL old house that Frank has been hiding out in. Thrown into the mix is Kirsty, Larry’s daughter from his first marriage, who doesn’t get along with Julia and has a place of her own. This pic below accurately summarizes Julia’s excitement about moving into the house.

Not Pictured: Thrills. In fact Julia's face tells you how excited she is to be moving into her husband's childhood home
Not Pictured: Thrills.

But surprise! After Larry has an accident that spills blood on the floor, Frank is reborn in possibly the most intense, gross, and visceral rebirthing scene in the history of cinema. The day that CG graphics manage to reproduce anything that stomach-churning, we’ll know it has finally arrived. Practical effects ALWAYS win when it comes to slime, blood, pus, and anything else the body can produce.

Although Frank’s back, he’s missing a few key accessories, like fat and skin, so Julia decides to help him by bringing home dudes she meets in bars and killing them. Frank absorbs their lifeforce and grows less-juicy by the day. She does this because Frank makes her feel alive in ways Larry never did, which is code for ‘he gave her orgasms.’ Fun fact: When the film was being made the name was still undecided, as The Hellbound Heart sounded like a romance. An older woman working on the crew suggested ‘What a Woman Will Do for a Good Fuck,’ which is actually pretty apt.

Aren't you going to invite me into your house and body? I've got exciting, sexy places to be and none of them involve dinner parties
Aren’t you going to invite me into your house and body? I’ve got exciting, sexy places to be and none of them involve dinner parties with my dud of a brother.

There are hints during their interaction at the dinner party that Julia and Larry used to be happy, but considering she hooked up (HA!) with Frank before she even married Larry I wondered what brought them together in the first place. Larry’s just so earnest and eager-to-please… I picture Julia, early in the relationship, having that moment of ‘Well, he’s got a good job and he’s a nice guy, I guess he’s the best I could do.’ Maybe this is clearer in the novella, it’s been 20 years since I read it. Anyway, she meets Frank and is instantly fascinated.

Kirsty makes a deal with the cenobites and manages to save herself and send Frank and Julia to hell, but unfortunately can’t save her father. I’ve always appreciated Barker’s embrace of the theme that people make the best monsters; sure, Pinhead will peel your skin off and nail your eyeballs to his big revolving flesh cabinet, but you EARNED it. Frank and Julia murder Larry for no reason other than they are assholes. The Hellraiser universe (or at least the first film) understands and embraces S&M better than the 50 Shades of Gray films, and I would expand on that idea in another blog post if I weren’t so lazy. Also, I’ve never read 50 Shades of Gray. 

They can come in my house, but they're not sitting on my couch. Not without towels.
They can come in my house, but they’re not sitting on my couch. Not without towels.

Last Thoughts: Normally I can see actor’s faces under anything, or recognize them by their eyes and voices. Doug Bradley is the ONE exception to this. I have never been able to recognize him under the Pinhead makeup. Bravo on both makeup and acting! Fun fact: during the movie’s wrap party, Doug Bradley wondered why no one was talking to him, since he thought he got on well with the crew. Turns out they didn’t recognize him without the makeup.

I STILL don't see it! No idea why!
I STILL don’t see it! No idea why!

So that’s Hellraiser! Thanks for reading, and join us again on Wednesday when we discuss Hellbound: Hellraiser 2!